... my big breasts and me...

So today as I was getting ready for work I thought of two things repeatedly:

1. I really need to wash clothes because this dress I'm wearing, while cute, is totally the only clean thing left in my closet.
2. How can I create the illusion that I don't have breasts or at least stop them from looking as if they're about to take over the world?

This has been my dilemma all summer and just a sad replay of what I think when I'm getting ready to teach. How can I hide the fact that I've got breasts and they're big? Because what I'm really saying is that when I'm in a professional position or one of authority the last thing I want is to feel as if someone is staring at my breasts or focusing too much attention on the fact that I'm a woman.

For me there's something really sad about this. I don't mean just personally. Every time I see one of those Tyra Show snippets (because I can't stomach an entire episode) of those women with large breasts who are desperate for a breast reduction my heart goes out to them. And every time I hear those tiny stick figure girls saying how much they want bigger breasts I cringe and gag a little (for a variety of reasons).

Our society is completely obsessed with large breasts but we have absolutely no conceptualization of what living life with them can mean. No one with breasts naturally the size of Pamela Anderson's is running around the beach in a tiny swimsuit, because no one with breasts that large can fit those suckers in a tiny swimsuit without being cited for indecent exposure. And newsflash: if your breasts are 36D-ish or higher, they started moving south years ago! And let's not forget the back pains, the precarious position of the halter top, the strapless bra fiascoes, and the side boob. So the fake silicone/saline breasts are the biggest fallacy ever. And that's usually how you can tell they're fake gentlemen. If you were ever tempted to call a girl's DDs perky, thank her doctor, 'cause it's very unlikely that they're real.

But of course, life is full of wonderful contradictions. And in this case women are desired for larger breasts but they're made to feel uncomfortable because of them or objectified (and/or objectify themselves) for the same reasons. I mean consider this: I don't know one woman with large breasts who hasn't hated on Victoria's Secret because damn near ALL of their bras are padded. Who the hell wants padding when you've already got enough cushion!? No, these women talk to me about the desire to find a bra that will minimize all that's going on. That's where we spend the real money. There's a reason why playtex is still in business, they can make a girl with a high D (me!) look like a low D, and that's nothing to sneeze at. (Also, their 14-hour bras while ridiculously large and completely unattractive are comfortable as all hell!)

But then all those women on reality tv, especially VH1, only want to win so that they can get implants... I'm looking at you Prancer from I Love Money 2. And I get it god only knows what segment of the population they're representative of, but in this respect I don't think they're too far off the mark. Lots of girls want bigger breasts because they think that they're desirable and will instantly make them more attractive to men. That's what makes me angry. It isn't about what they like or being comfortable with their own bodies, it's all about getting a boyfriend or looking like Jessica Simpson... gag! But it makes sense, what does popular culture tell you about big breasts? You get better tips (take that however you wanna), boyfriends, or maybe even just friends in general, photoshoots for men's magazines, prominent features in crappy rap videos (although if you're Black a large ass is preferred... unfortunately I don't have one of those...sigh...).

Anyway, I guess I'm just thinking about the crazy contradiction that I'm faced with everyday. Big breasts make a woman beautiful, but they also make you look trashy. And if you want to be a professional, you better hide those suckers any way you can. I'm a little too lazy to buy an entire wardrobe around hiding my breasts at work but I do think about it all the time. When I go on a job interview, when I head to the office, when I have office hours with my students. I'm always wondering how to hide my breasts and any cleavage, lest anyone be reminded that I've got 'em and start treating me like tiddays... with a person attached. But I also love my cleavage and when I go out (which surely aint often) I show 'em off, but I also hate that dude, because there's always one, who's talking to my chest so he doesn't quite hear me when I tell him that I'm not interested (not even a little bit) the first time. So I say it again... and this time louder...

But then he thinks I'm the angry Black bitch... ah, but that's a whole 'nother issue.