Something New... again.

I was just going to ignore this video because... ugh, I am not in the mood for yet another rant about Black women not being able to find a partner. Not only have I heard it all before (and agree with a good portion of it), but, since no one is offering any useful solutions to the problem, my patience has worn beyond thin. Also, when I heard that Steve Harvey was acting as "expert" in this clip... hell nah!

Unfortunately, since I spend way too much time on the internet, I've been coming across this video at every turn. And that is annoying. So to hopefully exorcise this demon let me share my thoughts...

But first, the clip:



Ok, first, and most inconsequentially, how weird were those Black figure things to represent all Black men? Awkward. :-/

But seriously, there was so little new in this clip that I could have written this post without it. Or maybe I already wrote it when Something New came out and everybody and they mama had the conversation about the 42.4% (Did the statistics change? Is it now an even 42%? SUCCESS!). Whatever.

So seriously, what the fuck is going on here? Oh yea... the same thing that's been going on for the past decade or so:

A lot of Black women have never been married (and may never get married).
There aren't enough good Black men.
You could try a white man, but you'd obviously prefer a Black man.
I'm successful and fine, I just don't get it.
blahblahblah

It's the same story that every Black woman I know, including myself, has at one time or other recited with varying levels of annoyance/anger/heartache.

But what all of the stories on this topic lack are solutions. Tell me something I can use or keep it moving.

So maybe I should be happy because the piece above tried to offer some... I just thought they were dumb. Let me explain:

"Black women don't have to settle, but they may need to compromise."

I've heard this a number of times, but I was possibly most irritated here because Steve Harvey couldn't offer anything more than petty examples of Black women's standards being too high; money, education. These have been the big two in the attempt to explain the numbers of highly educated Black single women. But I'm starting to believe that they're possibly the least important. For instance, children. How many relationships have broken up because the two people had different ideas about children (when to have kids, how many, being financially able to support them, children from previous relationships)? It seems that finding a partner who had the same ideas about family would be slightly more important than his level of education. Or what about geography. If your high-powered job is on the East Coast and his is in the South, will you commute? Can you afford to commute? Is that the kind of life you want to live? Again, when and how should Black women compromise on these issues Mr. Harvey?

"Go for the older man."

That's the best advice you have Steve Harvey?... MASSIVE FAIL! What.The.Fuck? No seriously, how does this operate as a solution? Let's go back to the question of children. I'm 26 and if I decide to have biological children with a man I want someone who will be a partner. I don't want a man who will be so old (no offense, seriously) that he can't play with us at the park, can't take turns getting up at all hours of the night to feed/change/rock a crying baby etc. And this I am not willing to compromise on, because if I have a child with someone too old to really be a parent the same way that I would want to, why have children with someone else at all if I'd essentially be a single parent? That makes no sense. So, no Steve, that is not a real solution.

"It's not that they can't find someone to date, the issue is exclusivity."

This, I think, was the most interesting discussion of the whole piece (7 mins... really!?). It's interesting to think that there are women out there who are doing "all of the right things": dating, making themselves available, "keeping themselves up" (whatever the fuck that means) but they still can't get a ring. The women in the video talked about the "backpocket woman" (the one men save for later when they're ready to stop whoring around). This is so beyond trifling it hurts. And how annoying would that be if a man had the nerve to call you every few years just to make sure "you're still single... waiting for me." GAG!

With that sad I'm beginning to wonder (this is obvious sarcasm) that maybe people should start doing stories on (Black) men who don't want to settle down (with Black women). Seriously. Maybe it's time we stopped blaming Black women for being single and start really, critically, thinking about what leads to those circumstances.

"I would love to be in a relationship, a marriage... but I don't feel that that defines me."

And maybe, just maybe, we should stop equating women's happiness (regardless of race) with the presence of a man in their lives. Maybe, just maybe, there are a boatload of women who are just happy single and will be just fine if they never get married. And maybe, just maybe, there are lots of women who never want to get married at all. In that case, maybe we should stop fucking up those women's days by making them another kind of stereotypical statistic.

Stop... think about it.

*P.S.- Check out The Black Snob's discussion of the same clip here. 
*P.S.S.- I really am still thinking about a post on interracial relationships, but I've been swamped. C'est la vie...

...a Black girl with no ass?!... *update

So I'll admit it ::shamefaced:: I'm a black girl with no ass.

Like none... Hips (yea). Breasts (yessir). Ass (not so much).

It's a sore spot. I've considered talking with someone about it... you know... professionally. But I'm poor. And that trumps vanity in my book.

But why am I telling you all this? Well, because I've recently found out that ::gasp:: I'm on the normal side of this phenomenon (the aforementioned Black girl with no ass-itis). It could be SO much worse.

Consider

Yea, that woman said, "I don't like Black women" and "Williams is a little too Black." This is some straight up pathological shit right here. But where is it coming from?

I tend to get angry when people speak about Black self-hate as if it's the answer to a question, rather than the starting point for a million other ones.

For instance:

•  How was this woman raised? I always want to know this because personally I could never see myself saying that I don't like Black women because (well besides the fact that I am one) my mom is the shit. And while I don't love every Black woman I know, abstractly I do love all Black women. But, more importantly, I practically LOVE lots of individual Black women. The majority of the people who love me and support me are Black women and to even think of saying that I hate Black women would instantly bring these women's faces to mind and I'd feel so ashamed I wouldn't know what to do with myself. (This is also coincidentally one of the core reasons for my feminism. Women of all races have been my backbone and all of my strongest relationships are with women. It's such an important part of who I am.) The same goes for Black men. While I have much fewer instances of Black men who have been good to me in my life, the ones that have have been the most amazing, starting with my grandfather. My father is a sad excuse for a man, but my grandfather showed me what it could mean to be a good Black man. And for that reason along (though I do have many others) I have always felt a distinct love for Black men. So I wonder, what kind of life did this woman, and others like her, have that she can not make these associations? 
• Who are the people around her? I find it really strange that the woman actually has Black friends. I mean, how do you talk to someone who says "I don't like people like you, but you're cool so.."? I mean, really. Maybe I should ask some of my white friends this.... hahaha I kid I kid (sorta). No seriously, how do you have a friend like that? How do you call that person your friend? It's just... odd.
• Why does she feel that it's ok to say crazy shit like this? I think, for me, this is the most disturbing part of people who hate people of their own race/gender/sexuality. It's not that they don't like them, it's that they always abuse their "insider" position to spout hate. It's as if they feel like even though they've been alienated from other Black people (in this instance) somehow they have the inside scoop on them. Really? I always want to ask them if they don't see their alienation as maybe, maybe, a sign that they're not so cued in on Black folk. ::sigh:: It's probably no use, very few of these folk are the smartest tools in the toolbox. Or even the most useful tool. But then other people latch on to that. It's infuriating...

At the same time, there's something else going on here that isn't about hating Black folk. It's about hating yourself because you don't fit a stereotyped image of what it means to be Black. We all know this from such classically preposterous statements as "You sound white" and "You dress like a white boy" and on and on and on. But it's also at work in other ways and I think the pressure that we as a society, and community, put on Black women to look/act/dress/live a certain way is another example.

I mean seriously, who doesn't know the stereotype that Black women have big asses? What does that mean then for the Black women who don't? And how the hell do we explain, mediatakeout.com often wonders, white, Asian or Latin women with big asses. I mean that's MINDBOGGLING! Or it's racist. Whatever.

That's why in the clips above we don't just see the the Black woman (who presumably does NOT hate Black women) getting a butt job (ew), we also see Ms. Onassis/Williams ::eye roll:: getting one as well. Obviously, she can say whatever she wants about not being Black ::big ass eye roll::, but she's clearly dealing with where she fits into the realm of Blackness herself. And while I think she's an idiot (who talks funny!), on that point (and that one point) I get where she's coming from.

Because every time I look at my sad (flat) sack of an ass I have to shake myself mentally and remember that who I am, my Blackness, my awesomeness does not reside in the seat of my jeans... does not reside in the seat of my jeans!

Unfortunately I don't always believe myself...

Lil' Wayne... The Dumbest Male on Earth!

Today I ran across this video of Lil' Wayne talking about how he was raped at age 11 by a woman spurred on by his "father" Baby.

About the rape, Wayne said:

"I loved it....I ain't never pressed charges. I'mma do you like Baby and them did me…”

There's so much wrong with this that my brain hurts! So let's take dissect this tragedy piece by piece.

I'm going to put all by biases out there. I think Lil' Wayne, Baby and that whole camp are a bunch of bullshit, trifling ass hoodrats. There's something about a boy masquerading as a man that makes me real angry. Add that to the fact that people actually have the nerve to talk about him like he's speaking something other than trash and I'm heated.

But let's put that to the side for a second, because this video just confirmed, without a doubt, that homeboy needs some help.

LIKE NOW!

For reals, someone needs to get this man a therapist. A psychologist. A friendly, non-trifling, shoulder to cry on. 

When I first saw this article I thought, lord knows why, oh my god Lil' Wayne is going to break his decade long streak of foolishness and actually say something of substance. I was hella wrong. What a missed opportunity.

People rarely talk about boys as the rape victims of women. Most of the male rape discussion centers on men in prison, and the sexual violation of boys usually focuses on male perpetrators. So here I thought, damn he's going to shed light on the ignored instances of women raping young boys (and girls). It's a serious issue and we really need to start having a conversation that dismantles the tendency of equating rape victims solely with women and refusing to see women as potential perpetrators.

But that's not what we get here. No, Lil' Wayne offers us a horrific description of how wonderful it was to be a child violated by an adult against his will, while a bunch of adults sit around and watch and probably cheer. And then, to put icing on the motherfucking cake, this asshole promises to violate his young protege in the same way.

I only have two things to say about this.

1. Now that I know that Wayne was a victim of sexual abuse, I'm starting to look at his sexual exploits in a whole new light. Anyone even mildly conversant in the pathology of the victims of sexual abuse knows that survivors very often develop problematic relationships with sex that can, especially when untreated, develop into a hyperactive sexual life. It's a defense mechanism. And maybe, just maybe, that's what's going on with this fool. 
   
2. Somebody call the damn police. This man is promising, PROMISING, to orchestrate the rape of a minor!

Also, as a side note and even more evidence of how FUCKED UP these people are, check the end of the video when Lil' Wayne compares his first sexual experience/violation with his coming into manhood and then quickly compares that to killing five men or robbing a bank.

Yea, this is exactly the kind of Black masculinity I want my nephew to model.

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

source

Happy Birthday Sierra!

As you all know, I love my babies...
So here's a personal shot out to one of the coolest (the coolest!) little people I know.
::my namesake::

 

::my heart::

Just for you:


Love,

Titi Colie!

Latinos en America- guest post

I solicited a post by good friend Danielle on CNN's "Latino in America."

check it!
-N

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was half way through the first installment of CNN’s “Latino in America” and I was ready to call it a night. But I continued watching; hoping for something that I could say was intelligent and illuminating. In the end I was disappointed, but not as much as I might have been had I actually expected CNN to produce something intelligent and illuminating. 

So, what did CNN teach us about Latinos in America?

1. If only Latinos would work harder, try harder in school, and learn English, then they could achieve the “American Dream.” Look at Eva Longoria-Parker and Edward James Olmos.
2. Guess what? Latinos come in a variety of colors and shades.  Yes, they look black, white, brown, and everything in between. (Note to CNN: The history of conquest and importation of African slaves to Latin America might have been relevant here.)
3. Latina teenagers are brats. They run away. They always seem to end up pregnant.  And they think about committing suicide frequently. Side Comment: teenage pregnancy is hardly a problem among Latinas only.  
4. Latina teenagers are brats. They run away. They always seem to end up pregnant.  And they think about committing suicide frequently. Side Comment: teenage pregnancy is hardly a problem among Latinas only.  
5. There are cultural and communication problems that are involved when groups from diverse communities mix. Um, duh. Telling us about a segregated Catholic church—that have two different services because of language differences—doesn’t say anything about the real sociological, psychological, and historical dangers of segregation. Many white Americans simply refuse to recognize their own cultural superiority and continue to insist that their language, their food preferences, and their traditions are better (i.e. they should learn English and they should learn to like our side dishes at the church picnic). 
6. There are many people who oppose immigration from Latin American countries, particularly Mexico. Duh again. CNN failed to address the complexities of this issue. There was no discussion of America’s interference in Latin American economic policies, nor of particular U.S. policies that make the transnational transfer of both goods and peoples—NAFTA, for example—easy and profitable, nor of the history of U.S. sponsored labor migrations from Latin America throughout the twentieth century. Instead, the show gave much more time to examining one (white) man’s personal bias against Latin American immigrants, the result of which was to individualize racism and neglect America’s role in creating the “immigrant problem.”
7. Sometimes, in cases of extreme individual racism, Latinos are harassed and/or beaten up for being Latino. Again, these instances have nothing to do with anything other than a single person’s or group of people’s own prejudices.
8. Latino parents are bad parents. They don’t teach their kids about their heritage and then complain about it later. They don’t appreciate the value in American education.  They would rather children stay at home or work. 
9. All Latinos have the same experiences.

Understandably, CNN undertook a huge project with “Latinos in America” (as they did with “Black in America”), but there was little effort to produce something that could actually open people’s eyes or, heaven forbid, make people think. There was no analysis, no attempt to break down the structural barriers to equality, and no explanation as to why Latino immigration is different from European immigration, among other things. No, CNN did not make this comparison, but they should have, considering that their entire show was basically about immigrants (as if there are no Latinos that have been here for generations, or even centuries).  If they had bothered to talk to even ONE scholar of Latino Studies or Latino History, they might have discovered this.

On top of that, it is obvious that CNN sought to represent Latinos in a very particular (racialized and gendered) way. Frankly, half of the stories told were largely irrelevant. I fail to understand, for example, how a group of guys in Southern California who build and show low-rider cars in their spare time are representative of Latinos in America.  Yes, some people will say that when they think of low-riders, they think of young, Latino men, but if that’s the criteria for getting some airtime on the show, then when CNN does “White in America” (they won’t, but some friends and myself have discussed the possibilities), I fully expect them to talk about polka dancers and beauty pageants for four-year-olds. 

In my mind, CNN’s only purpose was to justify stereotypes of Latinos and promote the idea of individual striving and success, also known as the “American Dream.” The other half of the stories had the potential to be educational, but because there was no context (historical or otherwise) given and no investigation into the meaning of particular experiences—white flight, hate crimes, anti-immigrant sentiment, Latino poverty, contemporary segregation patterns, high school drop-out rates, and generational conflicts among immigrants, for instance—these stories did little to actually explain what it’s like to be Latino in America.

The story of Marta, a young girl from Central America, is representative of this point.  When she was twelve, she immigrated illegally to the U.S., in search of her mother.  When discovered, she was put in Boystown, a detention facility in Florida where children are kept when they are found without documentation. It operates more like a prison than juvenile detention center.  It’s a sad situation, but the history of Boystown is interesting.  It once served as a home to child refugees from Cuba starting in 1959. Cuban parents sent their children there with the hopes of later migrating themselves, and reuniting in the U.S. Boystown was supposed to assimilate these children, with the hopes of integrating them into American society.

The differences between the facility then and now are quite stark, but CNN does not explain why this is the case. Why were Cubans welcomed so warmly? Why is Marta’s experience so different from the hundreds of Cuban children to enter the U.S. before her?  A history of American geopolitical objectives and their influence on immigration policy, and thus racial constructions, would have helped explain these disparities.

In the end, I’m convinced that CNN’s efforts did more harm than good. Some people I’ve talked to have argued that they were just glad that Latinos got some primetime airtime for a change. I don’t agree. “Latinos in America” was advertised as an authoritative piece of journalism, intended to teach Americans about a group of people who are quickly (demographically, at least) taking over. On CNN’s website, you can find a parent and teacher discussion guide for the show, further demonstrating that it was meant to be a teaching tool. It has probably already been used that way. Long term it will probably becomes a tool for teaching diversity and multiculturalism, and the real problems behind the disparities in Latino education and income will remain hidden, as will the internal biases that prohibit Latino advancement in the U.S.  But don’t be surprised if we get “Latinos in America 2.” It’s only a matter of time, unfortunately.

Danielle

...unexpected ranting...

"No One Wants to See Round Women"

said Chanel genius, Karl Lagerfeld recently.

And, according to French Vogue, blackface... "what's the big deal?"

Every one is all a-flutter about the fashion industry's exclusionary practices and often offensive images of women. Me... not so much. The fashion industry is elitist and generally intolerant of all women, not just "round" ones. Models are never skinny enough and always beautiful but... "her eyes are too wide" "too close together" "her hips are too big" "her face too angular" "too round." WTF ever.

I don't care what anyone says, the fashion industry does not like women.

So Karl Lagerfield may be an ass and he may be offensive and he may look like a villain from outer space:

but he's not an anomaly. This is how people feel, he's just one of the few who will say it out loud. And for that I say kudos to you Mr. Lagerfeld, at least I know what I'm dealing with, with your crazy ass. And I totally won't tell anyone that you used to be f-... well, you know:

So if I don't have an issue with that, why this post? Well first, I've been crazy busy and haven't had the time to blog, let alone think, lately. And this is me getting back into a groove. But secondly, and more importantly, I'm super sick of people attacking the fashion industry for being sizist, or racist, or exoticizing certain women, or stealing from communities of color in a decidedly imperialist manner but being unwilling to look at how these are only more focused versions of what's going on in the rest of the world and what they're doing themselves.

I love all of the tv news shows, especially of the entertainment variety, who reported on this with their anchors liposucked to within an inch of their lives, botoxed beyond recognition and full of saline saying how deplorable his statements were (but not quite emoting their outrage). And then couching the post in between "news" stories about Nicole Richie's post-baby body and who's got the worst cellulite of the summer (random selection of stories not necessarily on air when this ish went down, but... you know).

The point is that we worship certain kinds of images but many of us who rail against them also willingly fall victim to it. We make a big fuss about the media and society circumscribing certain kinds of bodies to women (and men) but then ignore how those bodies (and their attendant conceptions of beauty) are raced and/or how this litmus of perfection allows us to judge other people's characters/lives/behaviors based on their bodies. (And this goes on both sides. We can't make judgments about skinny girls not eating or dieting all the time and falling into the "trap" simply because they're small.) We gotta do better. So until you're willing to check yourself, stop talking. And if you're not sure if I'm aiming this at you, consider:

If you're one of those people who totally nods your head every few months when there's some new scandal about those stick thin, possibly anorexic, models but won't date a girl over a size 6 or makes fun of that girl in the next cubicle for being a "lard ass," SHUT THE FUCK UP! You have absolutely no room to talk. And if you're one of those douches who points out how wrong it is that all of the models in your favorite ad campaign are white but clutches your purse when a Black man enters the elevator, FUCK YOU! You have no room to talk.

Today's message has been brought to you by the word "fuck" and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream.

Weighing in:

The Awesomeness
The Tastiest

The Saddest- I was going to link to some pics of anorexic models and girls, but that shit is so disturbing and sad that I just couldn't...

...things I like to look at...

I can barely think in coherent sentences most days, which makes those fellowship essays a bit of a chore. But I really don't talk that much throughout the week anyway. Usually I spend a lot of time just staring, watching, hopefully comprehending.

Here's a list of things that I don't mind looking at again and again:

1. Nanami Cowdroy's art:

 

Most of you might recognize the first piece from my laptop and my old ipod (r.i.p Bandit). The Japanese-Australian artist's blending of intricate design to illustrate familiar and foreign themes speaks to me. When I bought my laptop decal at GelaSkins, one person reviewed that with one of Nanami's prints you wouldn't fail to get noticed from random passerby, which has proven true. But even more interestingly to me, you always know when you're looking at a Nanami Cowdroy piece. And not just by the red stamp of her name in the corner, but by the unique interplay of light and dark, and detail,  her signature style.

2. Oakland

Well, pictures of Oakland technically. I'm working on a story right now that I decided, on a whim, to set by Lake Merritt. We lived there for a while when I was in elementary school and I loved it. And living in a city like Columbus (all offense) makes it really easy to miss a place like home. Seriously, as usual I've got a list of things I must see/do/eat when I'm home:

• buying jewelry/knick knacks on Telegraph. I seriously haven't done this in years. Who's down?
• Blondie's pizza- turkey pepperoni. nuff said. no seriously, only in california would a pizza place have pepperoni w/o pork. holla!
• bancroft clothing- i don't know why though
• sushi
• skates... i don't think i really want to drop money like that, but hell... maybe
• monterey bay aquarium- i've never been but we're taking the heathens for Sierra's 7th 'cause I'm coming home!
• Loard's- banana
• taco trucks
• MOAD- i haven't been in a while, might as well see what's new. Who's down?
• Asian Art museum- again, who's  down?
• the fam
• Jean
• Jessica
• the SMC fam
• BART!- hell even AC transit... COTA's got nothing on them.
• saying hella without any flak!
• Nations, but only after a drunken night in Jack London. I'm not even asking, Jean- get ready!
  
• being near water

3. Katrina Fema Jackson

check it

Seriously, she's like free entertainment and since she's kind of crazy, it works....

4. My babies: