a bit personal

subtitle: random thoughts on privilege and the trivialization of drug addiction

Last quarter I sat in a class that consistently frustrated the holy living hell out of me. Every day was a test of my ability to NOT go off on someone. But there was one day in particular that threatened to send me over the edge.

On this day we were sitting around the table and some people were chatting about whatever before class started. Somehow a few of the women started talking about rehab and the show Intervention. God only knows why or how, but one woman said something to the effect of "I don't know why I have to work when those people on that show get to go to a spa for a few weeks."

As far as I can tell she 1) was dead serious and 2) thought her comment was funny.

The first time she said it I thought I must have heard her wrong. The second time she said it, I was pissed. And the third time she damn near yelled it I was incensed because not one person said anything to contradict or correct her.

At this point, I said "When did we decide that rehab was a spa?" Granted I uttered this in a controlled voice (to keep from blasting her ass) and I wasn't involved in the original exchange so I didn't necessarily want to butt in (because I hate when people do that to me), so it wasn't that surprising that my comment went unheard or ignored. Very shortly after this the class started and the real conversation commenced and everyone moved on.

Well, everyone except me.

Since I hated this class, and couldn't stand this woman in particular, I assumed that my ire was solely because of that. But a couple weeks later a FB friend, who I definitely don't dislike but am not super close to, said that watching Intervention makes her feel thankful for what she has in her life. Even though I said something similar (but bitchier) a few years ago, I was really pissed when I read this status. And I couldn't figure out why.

Now I've realized that I was angry at my friend for seemingly echoing the same kind of pretentious holier-than-thou judgement as the woman in my class. In hindsight I realize that that is not (thankfully) what she was trying to do. Rather, I think she was saying that ANYONE could succumb to drug addiction and we who have not (or are recovered) should be thankful that we don't have to live such lonely and painful lives as those addicted to drugs. This I agree with.

But to be honest with you I'm still fuming about the other woman's comments, months later. And this is why.

One of the things that my closest friends and I commiserate with one another about is how we feel so very different from other people that we've encountered in higher education. This is especially true for my best friend and I who grew up in severely dysfunctional families (and thus think that the dysfunction is normal), have experienced repeated forms of physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse, and learned fairly early that you cannot trust people (not even those closest to you).

How does this relate to drugs?

Like this:

That woman in my class was an idiot. Either she's never seen a loved one succumb to an addiction or she has but learned nothing from it.

I have had three people close to me descend into drug addiction. For the first person, I was too young to understand what they was going through so all I learned was that I never wanted to let drugs or alcohol take over my life like that. The second person I still struggle with. Whoever they could have been is long gone and what I have in front of me is a very pale shadow of who that person once was to me. The third person broke my heart. They've overcome some of their demons but I know they struggle everyday with the underlying causes of addiction. Watching this person fall and then find a way to the other side is one of the reasons why that woman in that class angered me so.

It's damn easy to say that drug addicts and alcoholics are just bad or pathetic people who have no impulse control. It's also such an incomplete story as to be useless.

To acknowledge the kind of damage that leads some people to drugs or alcohol or self-mutilation (or any number of vices) does not absolve them of responsibility for their actions. It does, however, help to explain why rehabilitation, when taken seriously, can be so important. It's clear that the drugs are only part of the problem.

So to this woman I'd like to say what I wish I'd said in class:

"Rehab isn't a damn day spa. For some people it's a barrier between life and death. And for other people it can be the only hope that one day they will get their loved one back. It is also hard as hell. Something that's even harder than rehab: STAYING SOBER. You're ignorance is offensive. And I'd prefer it if you only spoke on subjects where you know what the hell you're talking about. And having sat in that class with you I'm pretty sure that aint much."

...Sorry, but it wouldn't be me without the snark! *shrug*

...everybody loves a (part) Black girl...

So, Jean's whole yelp situation has me (re-) riled up about something that I didn't notice until I started spending a considerable amount of time online in forums and other community-based websites. Namely that... people are fucking crazy, racist, misogynist, homophobic cowards.

Now wait, hear me out. Maybe you're taking what I said in a way that I don't mean or... naw, you've probably got it right. It is pretty straight forward. So let me explain.

One of my favorite websites is IMDB. I'm a self-professed couch potato who LOVES tv. More often than not I'd rather be at home watching tv than doing say... well damn near everything. I don't feel bad about it, so let's move on. I go on IMDB to check out the casts to my favorites shows and movies, see what things my favorite actors are in, etc. Eventually I started posting on their forums (for shows and actors). They're a great information resource for spoilers and little known facts supplied by other nerdy tv geeks like myself. It was heaven. Well at least until I started noticing a disturbing trend.

On virtually every forum for a Black actress there's always that one douche who says something like, "(insert actress name here) is so beautiful. What's she mixed with because she can't be full-Black?" Or, as I like to translate: "I'm super racist and have all of these repressed feelings about totally loving Black women but you know Americans hate Black people so if someone could please just tell me that this girl is like half-Mexican or half-white, hell I'll even take that she's got a great tan so that I can repress all this angst that I'm feeling, you'd totally make my day."

At first I really didn't think that much about these comments because, coincidentally enough, the first time I read it I was looking at Halle Berry's forum and she's mixed. I just thought "what rock has this dude been living under? doesn't everyone know she's half-white?" But then it got a bit... hinky when I started running into it everywhere. I saw it on Freema Agyeman's page (half-Iranian), Salli Richardson-Whitfield's page (part-NA), Megalyn Echikunwoke's page (half-white), Rashida Jone's page (half-white) and Jessica Szohr (lots of stuff) but again all of these actresses are mixed so I got irritated, but kept it moving. (There's also this very strange tendency for some posters to put in part-Asian actresses' bios a detailed breakdown of their racial mixture and link them with other, completely unrelated, mixed-Asian actors that was so weird, but seems to have been cleared up in the last few months.) But when I stumbled on this lovely thread on Freema's page I became even more sensitive to it elsewhere.

The Freema thread is really important because you can tell that for certain people this had been building up and everyone, on both sides of the issue, responded from a place of frustration. Some of the comments were valid (on both sides) and some made me think that these people were dumb as rocks. But in the end I agree with the idea that continually asking about these women's mixed-status was yet another way to denigrate Black women and racist as all hell.

I also think that some people's defense of themselves was... pathetic and akin to saying "I'm not a racist, my best friend is Black." For instance, the OP's comment that he didn't mean what he said in a racist way, he just had a preference for middle-eastern women and knowing that Freema was part-Iranian cleared some things up for him... *side eye*

I'm sorry I just can't. I know other people attacked him for the racism, but can I just get on him about how stupid he sounds? I don't believe not one person who tells me that they only find certain kinds of people attractive. What sense does that make? Now you can say that you tend to only date women who have dark hair, tan skin and green eyes. Hell that's a preference, but does that mean that you wouldn't find a blonde woman with pale skin and blue eyes attractive. Hell nah! So why is it that when it comes to Black women, especially, so many men say some dumb shit like "I've never been attracted to Black women before but Naomi Campbell/Halle Berry/Beyonce is hot." What are they single-celled organisms? Humans are (allegedly) more complex than that.

Fucking idiots. Now back to the racism...

I see it on boards in lots of other ways too. For instance, staying on the Freema train for a moment (I love her!), in last year's BBC production of Little Dorritt people went ape shit because she was cast. Little Dorritt is Dicken's book about... hell I don't know, I just saw the movie, it's on my reading list... Whatever, check out it's wikipedia page. Anyway, all the hubub was because some people did not believe that Freema, as a Black person, should have been cast to play a white character. They also felt that this liberal trend in BBC productions to create casts for these period pieces that look more reflective of modern England was at least annoying (some people have termed it racist, certainly without fully understanding what the word means). But I mean, it wasn't the multi-culti version of Cinderella. At least the cast made some sense. But shit, even if it didn't who gives a shit. I care about the story and the acting. I don't give a shit what race the person is. And this has been happening on stage for forever... get over it!

I sort of jumped into the debate because, as a Freema fan, who thoroughly enjoyed the production, I didn't see the point in griping about casting a peripheral character, not meant to be blood related to any of the main characters, as Black. What's the harm in that? I think I know what it is, but I'll save that for a bit later.

Essentially what I'm saying about the anonymity of the internet is that it exposes a lot about how we think about race. I've pondered these websites every time someone says that racism doesn't exist. Or that we're not a racist country. It's utter bullshit. We're all racist. Those idiots who have to know that these Black women aren't all Black are racist. As am I, and others like me, who have to say "no, you can't take them away from us." And granted I'm biased that what I'm saying, while wrong, is for the right reasons, essentially that you won't deny these women's black identity simply because you're uncomfortable, doesn't mean that I'm not in some way inflicting a similar kind of damage by doing what I've done throughout this blog. Black is not their only racial identity and since I don't know how they choose to primarily identify I don't have the right to decide for them. I fight against this all the time for my nieces. People who don't know them don't have the right to classify them as mixed when their primary form of identity is Black. (Granted they're kids so they really don't know or care, but considering some interesting things that happened after MJ's death I'm pretty sure where they stand on the spectrum at the moment.)

But this kind of BS also reveals something else. Essentially, people feel damn free to say any and everything they want on the internet. That sort of anonymity allows people (of all races) to spout some of the most racist, misogynist generally depraved shit I have ever read. I don't know how many times someone's posted a link on facebook about something race-related with the express warning to either ignore the comments or read the comments for entertainment. Or how many times I've decided that reading any more of a certain thread would drive me insane. Or these douches who felt no qualms about resorting to blatantly racist and sexist stereotypes about Asian women when talking about the (sad? pathetic? weird?) plight of "The Hipster Grifter." These are the things that people would certainly never say in public, but with the cover of their keyboard they have at it.

I think that people spend way too much time talking about how a PC culture is destroying our society and how "you can't say anything anymore" but not enough time, if any, talking about when you can say certain things and through what medium. It isn't a surprise that people who have no idea that white supremacist groups are alive and well, if not even more dangerous than in the past, don't understand the full extent of the internet as a conduit of sharing ideas. Do a quick google search on white supremacist groups (being careful of course) and you'll turn up a slew of articles about how groups in the States are connecting with one another and with European counterparts through email, websites, etc. They're not gone. They're hiding in plain fucking site!

But this is an extreme example. To turn back to what started this whole fiasco, let's look at the random everyday people who want to know if their favorite Black actress is really Black. Implicit in their queries is a (racist) fear that they would actually find a Black person attractive. And while this seems simple, it's really not. Because they're afraid that if they find this "full-Black" Black woman attractive then that makes them someone who could say ask that Black girl sitting next to them in Soc class out for a movie. Or someone who could one day have (part) Black children. Or someone who would have to call their parents out for saying the n-word or their friend for sending that blatantly racist email. Essentially, there's the fear that they would have to become someone who thinks about race in a more present way than most white people ever do. (gasp!)

At the same time these people are worried that if their tv-crush is Black then it means that they have become somehow less white. This is definitely what was happening with the whole Little Dorritt situation. One Black character "infected" Dicken's "authentic" story of an England before Black folk. For these people there is a white story (that they would just call a story) and story for people of color. So in a modern setting there are places for Black, Brown... whoever. (At this point I'd like to point out that Dicken's story isn't authentic because there have been Black people in England at least since Queen Elizabeth I and Asians have been in England since the 5th century or so). But still these idiots think that us melanin-blessed folks should be kept in their place. So there will never be a Black Mr. Darcy or an Asian Captain Wentworth. Hell maybe it doesn't even have anything to do with time. I mean, did anyone else notice the storm when Pierce Brosnan recommended Colin Salmon as the next James Bond... geesh. This is just as problematic as racial zoning in housing, hiring based on racial preference, etc. because it says that, contrary to popular beliefs, we have very strict raced understandings of our world that manifest in decidedly racist terms.

I'm just saying that even if people are smart enough to keep these sorts of things under wraps in face to face encounters. They surely don't do this online. So if you want to know the places where I think people will learn racism in these next few generations. It's not on TV or in books. It's online and at home.

So when my nieces ask me to watch cartoons I say yea. But when they're old enough to ask me to use my computer, I'll explore it with them.

...don't be afraid white folk...

So, I originally decided not to handle the whole Henry Louis Gates fiasco on this blog because honestly, I'm not a fan. That dude, like a lot of the African American intellectual elite rub me the wrong way. I think some of their scholarship can be useful, just not to me because they largely ignore Black women. And sometimes they have good things to say, although I have a problem with how they tend to "speak for" the Black community but rarely get specific or support everyday movements on the ground. Like the Sharptons and Jackson we only hear from these people when something big happens, a death or a racist celebrity, but unlike those two I've yet to figure out where Gates stands on specific social movements like the problems with education for poor communities of color. And not by saying that it's a problem (we got that) but how to fix it, specific programs that he thinks are doing a good job, etc.

But to be fair, my critiques may be misleading because, for the most part, I ignore these people. I only glance at their work (at best) and I don't research their politics. They're not speaking to me or the issues that I think are important. I'm always angry that when people talk about Black leaders they always mean men. And honestly when was the last time you say them getting their hands dirty? For me, they're symbols, and I don't do idol worship... hell I don't do religion of any sort. So I'm bitter at these men and their (lack of real) leadership.

Because of all of this I decided to keep my own feelings to myself and defer to good friends who handled the topic, click here for my friend Bennett's discussion of the situation, and my friend Angela posted this interesting query as her facebook status yesterday:

"Angela Francis has serious problems with where the emphasis has been placed in the dialogue regarding the Gates arrest. The problem is not that a black man with high socioeconomic status can be arrested after he is reported to have broken into a home and then proceeds to argue with and insult a police officer. The problem is that an AVERAGE man without special status can be arrested or killed WITHOUT doing any of those things."

It seemed as if other people that I trust were dealing with the issue quite well and I was going to leave it alone until... I read a pretty middle of the road, not very well-written article by Maureen Dowd about the whole controversy. It started off so bad I almost didn't finish it, is it just me or does she not actually seem to be saying much? And is she not saying it in a ghastly way? Whatever, thankfully there was a little nugget of "WTF" at the end. In the second to last paragraph there's a gem I just had to share:

"And Gates says that if anyone thinks he’s a fiery black militant, they’ve got the wrong guy, considering he married a white woman, has mixed-race daughters and has white blood himself."

Oh sweet lord in heaven. SAY WHAT?!

My mouth is salivating this is so ridiculously juicy. Uh, uh!

This right here is why I don't want anyone speaking for me. First of all, no one who feels the need to reassure white people that he's not a black militant knows shit about my life. As someone who idolizes Malcolm X and the Panthers for their ability to say in various ways "You're not going to run over me and kill me without a fight," a comment like this from Gates is a slap in the face. I would think that with the current situation what all communities of color need (here and globally) are a few more militants and people willing to stand up for the right to not let others oppress us!

Second, this is the equivalent of saying, "I'm not a racist, most of my friends are Black." It's just as empty of a statement and it's just as insulting to people with brains. Not only can someone who marries and have children with someone of another race be racist and militant, but what kind of fantasy land is Gates living in that he thinks otherwise.

If I see one more white woman complaining at the hair shop that her mixed race daughter's hair is "too kinky" and she "obviously got that from her dad's side of the family." Or one more Black man who has children with light-skinned or white women (Black women do this too) so that the kids can be "light, bright, and almost white" or have "good hair" or even just be "pretty" I will go off!

In his rush to placate white people he denies that race and racism have very little to do with any of the things he mentioned. The fact that he "has white blood himself" (whatever the fuck that means) was not his choice, but so what, so did a lot of Black militants throughout African American history. Surely Gates knows this! For many Black people "white blood" speaks to complex issues of race, racism, slavery and the rape of Black women and has been used as a rallying cry rather than an integrationist tool. (Although, I will be fair and say that this line of reasoning is so fraught with problems that I've argued against using it for a while now.)

From my own history, my family is very mixed and my Creole grandmother left Louisiana because as a lightskinned (historically mixed) person she refused to pass for white or condone a system where so many of her family members did. From what I can tell my grandmother picked a darker skinned man because he was beautiful and couldn't have cared less that her children pass the paperbag test, and I often wonder if this was directly related to the world in which she grew up.

And my half-white father was made so ashamed that he was mixed (when his siblings were not) that he never even told me of the fact. He wanted to be seen as a Black man, not a Black man who was also white. He also was, not surpisingly, overly concerned when my oldest niece was born very light, always wondering "if she'll get darker." And every time I see white and Black people marvel at my youngest niece and nephew's "beautiful" eyes (green and blue) while ignoring my oldest niece's brown eyes I'm reminded that people are fucked up! And if I have to cuss out every one of those people for their blatantly racist responses to my babies I'll do it. Every time. And you can call me a militant or a bitch, I don't give a shit!

I also have lots of white friends, some of whom are closer to me than family, and I am a militant. I study Black nationalists and radical Black women activists because they are the people that I would like to imitate, not someone such as "Skip" Gates. It doesn't mean I hate all white people, but it sure as hell means that making white people feel comfortable around me isn't just at the bottom of my list, it's not even on it!

Having "white blood" is not a panacea, nor does it (obviously) erase racism or preclude militancy. How dare this man even suggest that this would ever be the case?

And lastly, but most hurtfully, Gates should be ashamed of assuming that the only sure-fire way to know that someone is not one of those dreaded millitants is by checking their partners. As if those Black men with white women are the real leaders our community needs, because they've done so much for us. For those of us from California I have two words to unravel that whole argument: Ward Connerly. This would also mean that President Obama's choice to marry an African American woman is a sign. Maybe just the sign that those Republicans need to continue to denigrate our President and First Lady as militants/racists/unAmerican, etc. As if Black women are just not good enough America, they're angry and they make their men angry. Best just leave them alone lest they start a revolution.

I really only have two words to say to this man.

Negro please!

I would prefer that Professor Gates stop talking to the press or at least think a little more critically the next time he does. So, here's to seeing this whole situation leave the limelight so I can go back to my life. So people can continue doing good work attempting to end the real tragedies of racial profiling by the nation's police so that we don't have another Sean Bell or Oscar Grant.

in struggle,
N

...segregation... or something like it...

So the media is all aflutter about the case of that segregated pool in Northeastern Philly. When I first heard about this to be honest I wasn't that surprised. And then when I started reading the stories I was struck by how complicated the issue was. It wasn't just that this summer camp paid their money but were then refused entrance into the pool. I mean it was, but there was other stuff going on. It's all that other stuff that for me really speaks to the state of American race relations. So let's deal with those.

In all of the stories the cute little boy who's the best witness for the papers ever says that he heard some white woman say "What are all these black kids doing here?" and "I'm scared they might do something to my child." Based on the pictures it looks like this little boy is no more than 10 and that's the tragedy for me. A kid, a freaking little kid, had to hear that racist idiot saying these things about him and his friends. Just think of what that must do to his psyche. They just wanted to go swimming, and considering what Philly must be like in the summer, that's a necessity. I haven't heard any one talk about that.

But the whole situation went to hell when the president of The Valley Swim Club released a statement saying: "There was a concern that a lot of kids would change the complexion... and the atmosphere of the club." Now, I haven't read the entire statement, only those lines that have been in newspaper articles, so I don't know everything he said. But it seems obvious, and understandable, that people have taken this line as unbelievably offensive. And really, I do understand why people would do that, but my first reaction to reading this line was:

"bwaahahahahahahaha... this dude seriously needs to lose his job, because... complexion... really?"

This is the most unfortunate word choice I've heard in a long time, whoever wrote this statement, spell checked it, edited it for errors and then released it to the public needs to start hitting the pavement on a job hunt.

But I don't think that these people kicked the kids out because they were black, I think they did it because they're a PRIVATE swim club that was wheeling and dealing with local summer camps trying to make some extra money and thought they could get that past their members. That obviously failed miserably. They got flack from their customers (who were mostly white and definitely much better off than these kids) about a whole bunch of summer camp kids coming to the pool (which if you've ever worked in a summer camp you know is pure pandemonium!) and the swim club kicked the kids out afraid that the pool would lose its yuppie clientele. I mean let's be honest, what establishment is going to act in a racist and segregated manner and then admit it in a public statement. Few people are that stupid, these people were not. They're just idiots! There's a difference, even though it doesn't always seem like it...

But the thing that I keep fixating on is that everyone is focusing their attention on the club and NOT on that imbecile who was worried about all those black kids. THIS is the problem with American race relations in this country. We spend all of our time focusing on institutions that are racist, trying to make them more "equal," but we let people be as racist as they want. How does that make sense? How does that solve the problem of racism? Why don't we hold people accountable for the things they say? And why (continuing our rants about motherhood) aren't we angry that this idiot is raising children who will likely be as entitled and racist as she is? And who is worried about how these kids will process this situation?

We can spend all of this damn time worrying about holding the Valley Swim Club accountable (but not really for the right thing) but no one's ever going to go to that woman and say she's a horrible person for saying what she said around those kids (including her own) and, in my opinion, she shouldn't be allowed to have children. No one will ever say to those people who, during the election and to the present, make the most racist statements about our President and First Lady because they're black.

Everyone always says "well those are just a few ignorant people, what can you do?"

They're not just a few ignorant people. In my opinion, they're the majority, we're a country completely fucked up about racism and ignoring it isn't helping. So really, what can we do?