I was just going to ignore this video because... ugh, I am not in the mood for yet another rant about Black women not being able to find a partner. Not only have I heard it all before (and agree with a good portion of it), but, since no one is offering any useful solutions to the problem, my patience has worn beyond thin. Also, when I heard that Steve Harvey was acting as "expert" in this clip... hell nah!
Unfortunately, since I spend way too much time on the internet, I've been coming across this video at every turn. And that is annoying. So to hopefully exorcise this demon let me share my thoughts...
But first, the clip:
Ok, first, and most inconsequentially, how weird were those Black figure things to represent all Black men? Awkward. :-/
But seriously, there was so little new in this clip that I could have written this post without it. Or maybe I already wrote it when Something New came out and everybody and they mama had the conversation about the 42.4% (Did the statistics change? Is it now an even 42%? SUCCESS!). Whatever.
So seriously, what the fuck is going on here? Oh yea... the same thing that's been going on for the past decade or so:
A lot of Black women have never been married (and may never get married).
There aren't enough good Black men.
You could try a white man, but you'd obviously prefer a Black man.
I'm successful and fine, I just don't get it.
blahblahblah
It's the same story that every Black woman I know, including myself, has at one time or other recited with varying levels of annoyance/anger/heartache.
But what all of the stories on this topic lack are solutions. Tell me something I can use or keep it moving.
So maybe I should be happy because the piece above tried to offer some... I just thought they were dumb. Let me explain:
"Black women don't have to settle, but they may need to compromise."
I've heard this a number of times, but I was possibly most irritated here because Steve Harvey couldn't offer anything more than petty examples of Black women's standards being too high; money, education. These have been the big two in the attempt to explain the numbers of highly educated Black single women. But I'm starting to believe that they're possibly the least important. For instance, children. How many relationships have broken up because the two people had different ideas about children (when to have kids, how many, being financially able to support them, children from previous relationships)? It seems that finding a partner who had the same ideas about family would be slightly more important than his level of education. Or what about geography. If your high-powered job is on the East Coast and his is in the South, will you commute? Can you afford to commute? Is that the kind of life you want to live? Again, when and how should Black women compromise on these issues Mr. Harvey?
"Go for the older man."
That's the best advice you have Steve Harvey?... MASSIVE FAIL! What.The.Fuck? No seriously, how does this operate as a solution? Let's go back to the question of children. I'm 26 and if I decide to have biological children with a man I want someone who will be a partner. I don't want a man who will be so old (no offense, seriously) that he can't play with us at the park, can't take turns getting up at all hours of the night to feed/change/rock a crying baby etc. And this I am not willing to compromise on, because if I have a child with someone too old to really be a parent the same way that I would want to, why have children with someone else at all if I'd essentially be a single parent? That makes no sense. So, no Steve, that is not a real solution.
"It's not that they can't find someone to date, the issue is exclusivity."
This, I think, was the most interesting discussion of the whole piece (7 mins... really!?). It's interesting to think that there are women out there who are doing "all of the right things": dating, making themselves available, "keeping themselves up" (whatever the fuck that means) but they still can't get a ring. The women in the video talked about the "backpocket woman" (the one men save for later when they're ready to stop whoring around). This is so beyond trifling it hurts. And how annoying would that be if a man had the nerve to call you every few years just to make sure "you're still single... waiting for me." GAG!
With that sad I'm beginning to wonder (this is obvious sarcasm) that maybe people should start doing stories on (Black) men who don't want to settle down (with Black women). Seriously. Maybe it's time we stopped blaming Black women for being single and start really, critically, thinking about what leads to those circumstances.
"I would love to be in a relationship, a marriage... but I don't feel that that defines me."
And maybe, just maybe, we should stop equating women's happiness (regardless of race) with the presence of a man in their lives. Maybe, just maybe, there are a boatload of women who are just happy single and will be just fine if they never get married. And maybe, just maybe, there are lots of women who never want to get married at all. In that case, maybe we should stop fucking up those women's days by making them another kind of stereotypical statistic.
Stop... think about it.
*P.S.- Check out The Black Snob's discussion of the same clip here.
*P.S.S.- I really am still thinking about a post on interracial relationships, but I've been swamped. C'est la vie...
