A Reconsideration of Work

Recently, I've been reminded about some of the difficulties faced by first generation college and graduate students.

In a sure slip of the tongue I realized that at least one of my family members imagines that, as a (graduate) student, I have nothing to do since it's summer.

Like most of my family members this particular person has not been in school since high school, so it makes sense that this is what she imagines my life is. I mean, there's nothing a student loves more than summer and, hey, even as a graduate student I appreciate summer, just... not for the same reasons I did when I was in high school or even like I did as an undergraduate. But I'll get back to this later.

When I realized her misconceptions about my life, I might have been angry but in all honesty I was not surprised.

As an undergrad I understood fairly quickly that even though my family supported me as best they could (emotionally and in some cases financially), they really had no idea what my day-to-day life was like as a student.

On the one hand, some of my family members questioned why I wasn't in school 5 days a week. On the other hand they thought that because I had MWF or TTH classes it meant that I must have been slacking off on the other days.

But the most pervasive misconception, which has apparently persisted from undergrad until now (as I hopefully approach the completion of my PhD), is that I live a life of leisure.

Sure they are willing to concede that I read, maybe I turn in a paper or take an exam, but generally I don't do much of anything, especially when compared to their jobs (mostly 9 to 5) and their lives (at this point in my life most of my family members have children). And in the summer they think that of course I must hang out all the time because I don't have classes (and who really wants to take classes in the summer anyway).

There are obvious problems with this. I mean what do these people imagine I do to make money and pay my bills? If I happen to travel (which is highly suspect considering the financial life of a single graduate student), how do I pay for it?

Basically, I've realized that for many first generation students their family and friends who have not gone to college have a hard time understanding that education is work and (for graduate students) a job, even if it rarely provides the financial compensation of full time employment.

This can be frustrating if only because it means that our families do not understand us and, even if they want to be, they are not as sympathetic to our problems as we might hope.

What's most troubling about these assumptions aren't that they're untrue (because obviously...) but rather that people develop them with little to no input from the actual students.

If this family member of mine had asked me (or even my mother who I vent to on an almost daily basis) she would have known that this summer I did a number of things including (but not limited to) teaching a 10-week course in 5 weeks (probably one of the hardest things I've ever done), written and revised my first article for publication, completed some research, done considerable reading for my dissertation while completing two moves and mentally preparing myself to go on the job market. These are, clearly, the highlights.

My day-to-day life may not be full of an eight hour shift and of course I don't have to clock in or out or take my lunch at a particular time. My time is what I make it. But if I make nothing of my time, I have to bear the consequences. And only me.

To someone with a more structured day my freedom might seem appealing (and I completely understand why). The problem would be to assume that my lack of formal structure indicates a lack of responsibility or work.

First of all, teaching is difficult. If you respect teachers at all please do not assume that teaching is easy. Never presume that a teacher's day begins when her students walk in the classroom and ends when they leave/at the end of a school day. Time in class is often the easiest while the prep for that lecture is time consuming and draining. Grading sometimes seems to take forever. But this isn't the worst.

If you don't teach you may never appreciate the blow to your self-esteem/self-worth that can accompany a batch of bad papers or mediocre midterms/finals, because the automatic reaction is not to blame one's students (no matter how much we complain). We all, always, blame ourselves. When my students fail (even if it's just one) I wonder: did they get it? could I have made it easier to understand? what did I do wrong? Add student evaluations on top of that and... well, let's just say that graduate students don't drink/eat/shop/exercise to excess for nothing.*

Second of all, I would gladly trade writing my dissertation for watching one of my family members' children (at least for a little while- let's be real, I don't have kids for various reasons. One of them is choice). I do not want to diminish how hard it is to raise children (and I can't even begin to understand the experiences of my friends who had children while students) but... IT'S HARD WORK TO WRITE A DISSERTATION.

Sometimes I wake up at night thinking about the documents I still need to process, wondering where I will find the money to fund another research trip, fearing that one of my advisors will ask about a primary source document (or source base) that I cannot access or don't even know exists (not for lack of trying), or worrying if I'll have enough time to read all of the books I should.

And for me there's nothing harder than believing that I know exactly what I want to say (my argument for a chapter or why my project is different from anything else in the historiography) but not being able to fully express myself in words. Honestly, I've been close to tears of frustration when I get notes from an advisor or kind friend who has read my work and wondered: "but what's the point?"

To be real, until you have had to produce an entire dissertation of around 200 pages (more? less?) you have no right to tell me or someone else in this position that I don't work. (This is also why I would never presume to tell a UPS driver, welder, or chef that their jobs are less difficult than mine. Because I don't know.)

I freely admit that my life is very different from my family members. I have a serious netflix addition that would be hard to maintain with another sort of occupation. But I work. I wake up in the morning and I don't get ready to go the office. Instead I walk into my living room and there is my office, there is my work. That pile of books, files, stack of essays... that is my work. Those newspaprs I read all the time- that is also my work. And sometimes those movies I watch... that's work too.**

I've known a lot of grad students who have complained about working in their bedrooms/beds. In fact about a year and a half ago I had to stop myself from doing this because my high school insomnia had resurfaced and I was so fried it was scary. My mother has pointed out that the job that "you don't take home with you" is a myth and while she might be right, it is a little different to go to an office to work and living, more or less, in your office.

Summers are time for research. For graduate students summers are often the only time we can devote to our own work. My last two summers were an interesting display of how odd the life of a (graduate) student can be. And tame examples at that:

After I passed my exams last year I had 2 weeks of rest and then I was off to New York for research. Glamorous in theory, but in reality I slept on an air mattress in a friend's studio apt (conveniently located 2 blocks from my archive), because that was the only way to make the trip affordable. Then I went home and read while I processed some research. At the end of the summer I went to London for 2 weeks. Even more glamorous! Except I stayed in a dorm (don't even get me started) and it was... a dorm. It had its ups and downs and while a wonderful research trip, I was dismayed that I'd somehow managed to spend two weeks in a city I loved without actually loving it. :/

This summer I taught, packed, read, wrote and moved. I'm not kidding. The only real break I've had from my life as an academic were.... these past 2 weeks or so wherein I moved back to California (which included transporting 2 beloved cats), revised that same article I told you about earlier, read, written an abstract for an essay and... well prepared for the job market. Another phase of the process, but maybe one that my skeptical family will understand. But, more importantly this is some but not all of the things I've done this summer because I can't even begin to explain to you the time I've spent thinking. 

And this is where I want to end.

It's so easy to dismiss the process of thinking, to suggest that thinking is not work. bell hooks has spoken of this throughout much of her work, more eloquently than I ever could. But I just want to say that even though so much of my time is spent thinking through my dissertation- THAT THINKING IS STILL WORK. And, frustratingly, it is often work that I feel I have failed at because I have a very hard time translating that thought into the written word.

So please, do not belittle the energy that students put into their education. Just because you may not understand the process or the goal does not mean that it's not work.

This goes both ways. The family member who sparked this comment is a hard worker. I respect her job (at work and at home) and realize that I would have a hard time doing the same. I wish that she would give me the same respect.

But this must also go both ways. I don't owe her any kind of understanding that she is unwilling to give me. Nor should I prostrate myself because I went to college and graduate school.

Just as I don't feel inadequate because I am single and without children, I will not be made to feel indigent because I don't turn in a time sheet at the end of the day or week.

My job is difficult. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I love it.

But it deserves respect. As do I.

*I dont want to say that all graduate students do these things to excess, what I'm really saying is activities like these can be used to de-stress from our work. 


** While this is absolutely true for people who study things like popular culture or cultural criticism, I also just mean that some people (like myself) spend a lot of time analyzing a variety of texts, including movies/tv shows/novels/music which may not seem like but may be intimately involved in our dissertations or teaching. 

Resting

I've been thinking recently about things that I do for other people; to put their mind at ease. Or rather, things that other people expect me to do.

When I teach I often nod when my students express themselves, rather than stare at them blandly the way I stare at everyone. My awesomely expressive face (yall know) does not do mild interest. (In fact my best expressions must be severe annoyance or disbelief.) When I realized recently that I was nodding at a student but had ABSOLUTELY no idea what he/she were saying (and was sure they hadn't done the reading) I thought of something The Witzig told me as an undergrad. Something about how female undergrads nod a lot in class. Or something (it's been a lot of years since then).

I didn't used to be this person. Ask anyone who went to college with me. I used to stare off into space if someone said something uninteresting, glare if their comment was annoying or stupid, and make eye contact, sometimes smiling, if I thought they were contributing something valuable. But nod, just to make someone feel secure? That I did not do.

So why now? Honestly I don't know, but I imagine that at least part of it has to do with the changes one makes while in a mildly hostile environment.

As I'm getting ready to (possibly) leave my graduate program to head home and continue writing my dissertation I've found myself explaining to my friends in Ohio (all 2 of you!) why I'm leaving. And while there are practical reasons, the only one that matters is that I feel I have a support system at home. And not necessarily my family (although my mom's awesome) but more my mentors who helped me get through SMC. The people who stoked an enthusiasm and passion in me that I can barely remember. The implication is clear: I do not have those things here. At least not in the same ways.

But does this have anything to do with the nodding?

Honestly I'm not sure. I've felt uneasy for most of my time in this program. And intellectually under siege. As in, I've felt that the simple fact that I am an intellectual is, for many people that I've encountered here, under serious consideration.

So maybe I nod because it's easier. Because if I make people feel as if I understand what they're saying maybe they won't notice when I tell them that what they're saying is nonsensical or utter shit. Or maybe if I reassure people that they're saying something I agree with they'll reconsider the other things I have to say. Or maybe (and this is most likely) maybe I stopped giving a shit about this pursuit. This isn't a journey I want to be on anymore. I'm not sure I want to be a historian, b/c for the most part (but not entirely) the historians I've met here depress me and make me really wish I'd picked another discipline. And so I nod because if I'm lucky I'll get a job in a school where people don't say "cultural history" as if it's a disease, my colleagues don't marginalize people who look like me because they assume we haven't contributed anything to history, people don't expect me to agree with them as an indication of my intellect, and the rhetoric of collegiality is so much more than rhetoric.

So the nodding is a symptom, clearly not the disease. And it's not the only symptom. I wonder how many times I've said "I'm fine" "no problem" "everything's cool" "I know" "that's what I thought" "yea, I totally get it" "no, that's not trifling" "hi" recently. Some of these things I say to make people feel better. Some of these things I say because I don't want anyone to worry. Some of these things I say because they're expected. And some of these things I say because it's automatic. And these days I prefer autopilot as much as possible. 

a bit personal

subtitle: random thoughts on privilege and the trivialization of drug addiction

Last quarter I sat in a class that consistently frustrated the holy living hell out of me. Every day was a test of my ability to NOT go off on someone. But there was one day in particular that threatened to send me over the edge.

On this day we were sitting around the table and some people were chatting about whatever before class started. Somehow a few of the women started talking about rehab and the show Intervention. God only knows why or how, but one woman said something to the effect of "I don't know why I have to work when those people on that show get to go to a spa for a few weeks."

As far as I can tell she 1) was dead serious and 2) thought her comment was funny.

The first time she said it I thought I must have heard her wrong. The second time she said it, I was pissed. And the third time she damn near yelled it I was incensed because not one person said anything to contradict or correct her.

At this point, I said "When did we decide that rehab was a spa?" Granted I uttered this in a controlled voice (to keep from blasting her ass) and I wasn't involved in the original exchange so I didn't necessarily want to butt in (because I hate when people do that to me), so it wasn't that surprising that my comment went unheard or ignored. Very shortly after this the class started and the real conversation commenced and everyone moved on.

Well, everyone except me.

Since I hated this class, and couldn't stand this woman in particular, I assumed that my ire was solely because of that. But a couple weeks later a FB friend, who I definitely don't dislike but am not super close to, said that watching Intervention makes her feel thankful for what she has in her life. Even though I said something similar (but bitchier) a few years ago, I was really pissed when I read this status. And I couldn't figure out why.

Now I've realized that I was angry at my friend for seemingly echoing the same kind of pretentious holier-than-thou judgement as the woman in my class. In hindsight I realize that that is not (thankfully) what she was trying to do. Rather, I think she was saying that ANYONE could succumb to drug addiction and we who have not (or are recovered) should be thankful that we don't have to live such lonely and painful lives as those addicted to drugs. This I agree with.

But to be honest with you I'm still fuming about the other woman's comments, months later. And this is why.

One of the things that my closest friends and I commiserate with one another about is how we feel so very different from other people that we've encountered in higher education. This is especially true for my best friend and I who grew up in severely dysfunctional families (and thus think that the dysfunction is normal), have experienced repeated forms of physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse, and learned fairly early that you cannot trust people (not even those closest to you).

How does this relate to drugs?

Like this:

That woman in my class was an idiot. Either she's never seen a loved one succumb to an addiction or she has but learned nothing from it.

I have had three people close to me descend into drug addiction. For the first person, I was too young to understand what they was going through so all I learned was that I never wanted to let drugs or alcohol take over my life like that. The second person I still struggle with. Whoever they could have been is long gone and what I have in front of me is a very pale shadow of who that person once was to me. The third person broke my heart. They've overcome some of their demons but I know they struggle everyday with the underlying causes of addiction. Watching this person fall and then find a way to the other side is one of the reasons why that woman in that class angered me so.

It's damn easy to say that drug addicts and alcoholics are just bad or pathetic people who have no impulse control. It's also such an incomplete story as to be useless.

To acknowledge the kind of damage that leads some people to drugs or alcohol or self-mutilation (or any number of vices) does not absolve them of responsibility for their actions. It does, however, help to explain why rehabilitation, when taken seriously, can be so important. It's clear that the drugs are only part of the problem.

So to this woman I'd like to say what I wish I'd said in class:

"Rehab isn't a damn day spa. For some people it's a barrier between life and death. And for other people it can be the only hope that one day they will get their loved one back. It is also hard as hell. Something that's even harder than rehab: STAYING SOBER. You're ignorance is offensive. And I'd prefer it if you only spoke on subjects where you know what the hell you're talking about. And having sat in that class with you I'm pretty sure that aint much."

...Sorry, but it wouldn't be me without the snark! *shrug*

a note on used books

To the douche who owned my book before me:

It is not "Bell Hooks" and you have no idea how much I wish you hadn't written over "bell hooks" simply because you're dumb.

Also, "yuck!" is not an adequate note in the margins.

Sincerely,

A lover of used books that haven't been mangled by undergrads.

...and not a Black girl in sight... tv review

This morning I was up early, as usual, trying to be productive. I turned it to HBO On Demand (also known as my fall back tv experience) to check out a new show, How to Make It in America.

How to Make It in America is an HBO original dramedy following two young New Yorkers, Ben Epstein (Bryan Greenberg) and Cam Calderon (Victor Rasuk) who are attempting to hustle their way onto the fashion scene.

There are some interesting things happening on this show.

1. Considering the fact that I JUST had a conversation with Michelle about all of these shows with racially homogenous (read: all white) casts, I will say that How to Make It... is actually  fairly diverse. Well, they have a fairly diverse cast in the way that most shows trying to avoid charges of being racist do:

Protagonist: White
Protagonist's Sidekick: Brown
Protagonist's love interests: White (w/occasional women of color here and there)
Peripheral (nameless) casts: rainbow

So really, it's diverse... but it aint.

2. I think it's interesting to consider male characters interested in fashion. Doesn't happen often. I'm intrigued.

3. Bryan Greenberg... Whatever, I love that dude. I sat through 2 awkward, albeit mildly intriguing, seasons of October Road and was sad when his character peaced out on One Tree Hill. Plus he's pretty!

What aint working (and the subject of my title)....

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SET A SHOW IN NEW YORK AND NOT HAVE EVEN JUST ONE FLY ASS FASHIONISTA BLACK GIRL W/ GUSH-WORTHY NATURAL HAIR?

I mean really...

You can't tell me they don't exist because this blog was started by a Black fashionista for other Brown fashionistas: The Fashion Bomb

So I like this show... or at least I wanna like this show but this just brought up all these issues about how Black women are far too often completely excised from popular culture. And if they are there you know who's not... Black men? This is really the same for all people of color. If there are brown men... then there's no brown women, no matter how big or small the part.

Really, this is my critique. This is ALWAYS my critique. And you can always count on me to make it.

I watch a lot of tv (it is what it is) and it's hard not to see the trend. Don't believe me? Check out some of these shows when you've got the time:

Dollhouse (canceled, but you can get that ish on Netflix)
House
CSI (all of them)
Gossip Girl
The Big Bang Theory
The Deep End
Southland
Leverage
The Closer
Secret Diary of a Call Girl
Mercy
the forgotten
Psych

or what about these shows that have no brown folk at all:

How I Met Your Mother
One Tree Hill
Desperate Housewives
Big Love
Caprica
Burn Notice
Life Unexpected
United States of Tara
Nurse Jackie (they got rid of Mo-Mo apparently....d-bags)
Smallville

and to be fair... these shows are the exception:

Grey's Anatomy
Private Practice
The Wire (but it's over and I'm still sad)
NUMB3RS
Cold Case

But at the end of the day (or really the beginning of the day in the case), the pilot episode wasn't great, the second epi was interesting enough and I'm willing to add it to my tv-watching agenda.

But I'll always be salty as hell until there's a Black girl on the scene. And hopefully one who looks something like THIS.

Something New... again.

I was just going to ignore this video because... ugh, I am not in the mood for yet another rant about Black women not being able to find a partner. Not only have I heard it all before (and agree with a good portion of it), but, since no one is offering any useful solutions to the problem, my patience has worn beyond thin. Also, when I heard that Steve Harvey was acting as "expert" in this clip... hell nah!

Unfortunately, since I spend way too much time on the internet, I've been coming across this video at every turn. And that is annoying. So to hopefully exorcise this demon let me share my thoughts...

But first, the clip:



Ok, first, and most inconsequentially, how weird were those Black figure things to represent all Black men? Awkward. :-/

But seriously, there was so little new in this clip that I could have written this post without it. Or maybe I already wrote it when Something New came out and everybody and they mama had the conversation about the 42.4% (Did the statistics change? Is it now an even 42%? SUCCESS!). Whatever.

So seriously, what the fuck is going on here? Oh yea... the same thing that's been going on for the past decade or so:

A lot of Black women have never been married (and may never get married).
There aren't enough good Black men.
You could try a white man, but you'd obviously prefer a Black man.
I'm successful and fine, I just don't get it.
blahblahblah

It's the same story that every Black woman I know, including myself, has at one time or other recited with varying levels of annoyance/anger/heartache.

But what all of the stories on this topic lack are solutions. Tell me something I can use or keep it moving.

So maybe I should be happy because the piece above tried to offer some... I just thought they were dumb. Let me explain:

"Black women don't have to settle, but they may need to compromise."

I've heard this a number of times, but I was possibly most irritated here because Steve Harvey couldn't offer anything more than petty examples of Black women's standards being too high; money, education. These have been the big two in the attempt to explain the numbers of highly educated Black single women. But I'm starting to believe that they're possibly the least important. For instance, children. How many relationships have broken up because the two people had different ideas about children (when to have kids, how many, being financially able to support them, children from previous relationships)? It seems that finding a partner who had the same ideas about family would be slightly more important than his level of education. Or what about geography. If your high-powered job is on the East Coast and his is in the South, will you commute? Can you afford to commute? Is that the kind of life you want to live? Again, when and how should Black women compromise on these issues Mr. Harvey?

"Go for the older man."

That's the best advice you have Steve Harvey?... MASSIVE FAIL! What.The.Fuck? No seriously, how does this operate as a solution? Let's go back to the question of children. I'm 26 and if I decide to have biological children with a man I want someone who will be a partner. I don't want a man who will be so old (no offense, seriously) that he can't play with us at the park, can't take turns getting up at all hours of the night to feed/change/rock a crying baby etc. And this I am not willing to compromise on, because if I have a child with someone too old to really be a parent the same way that I would want to, why have children with someone else at all if I'd essentially be a single parent? That makes no sense. So, no Steve, that is not a real solution.

"It's not that they can't find someone to date, the issue is exclusivity."

This, I think, was the most interesting discussion of the whole piece (7 mins... really!?). It's interesting to think that there are women out there who are doing "all of the right things": dating, making themselves available, "keeping themselves up" (whatever the fuck that means) but they still can't get a ring. The women in the video talked about the "backpocket woman" (the one men save for later when they're ready to stop whoring around). This is so beyond trifling it hurts. And how annoying would that be if a man had the nerve to call you every few years just to make sure "you're still single... waiting for me." GAG!

With that sad I'm beginning to wonder (this is obvious sarcasm) that maybe people should start doing stories on (Black) men who don't want to settle down (with Black women). Seriously. Maybe it's time we stopped blaming Black women for being single and start really, critically, thinking about what leads to those circumstances.

"I would love to be in a relationship, a marriage... but I don't feel that that defines me."

And maybe, just maybe, we should stop equating women's happiness (regardless of race) with the presence of a man in their lives. Maybe, just maybe, there are a boatload of women who are just happy single and will be just fine if they never get married. And maybe, just maybe, there are lots of women who never want to get married at all. In that case, maybe we should stop fucking up those women's days by making them another kind of stereotypical statistic.

Stop... think about it.

*P.S.- Check out The Black Snob's discussion of the same clip here. 
*P.S.S.- I really am still thinking about a post on interracial relationships, but I've been swamped. C'est la vie...

...a Black girl with no ass?!... *update

So I'll admit it ::shamefaced:: I'm a black girl with no ass.

Like none... Hips (yea). Breasts (yessir). Ass (not so much).

It's a sore spot. I've considered talking with someone about it... you know... professionally. But I'm poor. And that trumps vanity in my book.

But why am I telling you all this? Well, because I've recently found out that ::gasp:: I'm on the normal side of this phenomenon (the aforementioned Black girl with no ass-itis). It could be SO much worse.

Consider

Yea, that woman said, "I don't like Black women" and "Williams is a little too Black." This is some straight up pathological shit right here. But where is it coming from?

I tend to get angry when people speak about Black self-hate as if it's the answer to a question, rather than the starting point for a million other ones.

For instance:

•  How was this woman raised? I always want to know this because personally I could never see myself saying that I don't like Black women because (well besides the fact that I am one) my mom is the shit. And while I don't love every Black woman I know, abstractly I do love all Black women. But, more importantly, I practically LOVE lots of individual Black women. The majority of the people who love me and support me are Black women and to even think of saying that I hate Black women would instantly bring these women's faces to mind and I'd feel so ashamed I wouldn't know what to do with myself. (This is also coincidentally one of the core reasons for my feminism. Women of all races have been my backbone and all of my strongest relationships are with women. It's such an important part of who I am.) The same goes for Black men. While I have much fewer instances of Black men who have been good to me in my life, the ones that have have been the most amazing, starting with my grandfather. My father is a sad excuse for a man, but my grandfather showed me what it could mean to be a good Black man. And for that reason along (though I do have many others) I have always felt a distinct love for Black men. So I wonder, what kind of life did this woman, and others like her, have that she can not make these associations? 
• Who are the people around her? I find it really strange that the woman actually has Black friends. I mean, how do you talk to someone who says "I don't like people like you, but you're cool so.."? I mean, really. Maybe I should ask some of my white friends this.... hahaha I kid I kid (sorta). No seriously, how do you have a friend like that? How do you call that person your friend? It's just... odd.
• Why does she feel that it's ok to say crazy shit like this? I think, for me, this is the most disturbing part of people who hate people of their own race/gender/sexuality. It's not that they don't like them, it's that they always abuse their "insider" position to spout hate. It's as if they feel like even though they've been alienated from other Black people (in this instance) somehow they have the inside scoop on them. Really? I always want to ask them if they don't see their alienation as maybe, maybe, a sign that they're not so cued in on Black folk. ::sigh:: It's probably no use, very few of these folk are the smartest tools in the toolbox. Or even the most useful tool. But then other people latch on to that. It's infuriating...

At the same time, there's something else going on here that isn't about hating Black folk. It's about hating yourself because you don't fit a stereotyped image of what it means to be Black. We all know this from such classically preposterous statements as "You sound white" and "You dress like a white boy" and on and on and on. But it's also at work in other ways and I think the pressure that we as a society, and community, put on Black women to look/act/dress/live a certain way is another example.

I mean seriously, who doesn't know the stereotype that Black women have big asses? What does that mean then for the Black women who don't? And how the hell do we explain, mediatakeout.com often wonders, white, Asian or Latin women with big asses. I mean that's MINDBOGGLING! Or it's racist. Whatever.

That's why in the clips above we don't just see the the Black woman (who presumably does NOT hate Black women) getting a butt job (ew), we also see Ms. Onassis/Williams ::eye roll:: getting one as well. Obviously, she can say whatever she wants about not being Black ::big ass eye roll::, but she's clearly dealing with where she fits into the realm of Blackness herself. And while I think she's an idiot (who talks funny!), on that point (and that one point) I get where she's coming from.

Because every time I look at my sad (flat) sack of an ass I have to shake myself mentally and remember that who I am, my Blackness, my awesomeness does not reside in the seat of my jeans... does not reside in the seat of my jeans!

Unfortunately I don't always believe myself...

Lil' Wayne... The Dumbest Male on Earth!

Today I ran across this video of Lil' Wayne talking about how he was raped at age 11 by a woman spurred on by his "father" Baby.

About the rape, Wayne said:

"I loved it....I ain't never pressed charges. I'mma do you like Baby and them did me…”

There's so much wrong with this that my brain hurts! So let's take dissect this tragedy piece by piece.

I'm going to put all by biases out there. I think Lil' Wayne, Baby and that whole camp are a bunch of bullshit, trifling ass hoodrats. There's something about a boy masquerading as a man that makes me real angry. Add that to the fact that people actually have the nerve to talk about him like he's speaking something other than trash and I'm heated.

But let's put that to the side for a second, because this video just confirmed, without a doubt, that homeboy needs some help.

LIKE NOW!

For reals, someone needs to get this man a therapist. A psychologist. A friendly, non-trifling, shoulder to cry on. 

When I first saw this article I thought, lord knows why, oh my god Lil' Wayne is going to break his decade long streak of foolishness and actually say something of substance. I was hella wrong. What a missed opportunity.

People rarely talk about boys as the rape victims of women. Most of the male rape discussion centers on men in prison, and the sexual violation of boys usually focuses on male perpetrators. So here I thought, damn he's going to shed light on the ignored instances of women raping young boys (and girls). It's a serious issue and we really need to start having a conversation that dismantles the tendency of equating rape victims solely with women and refusing to see women as potential perpetrators.

But that's not what we get here. No, Lil' Wayne offers us a horrific description of how wonderful it was to be a child violated by an adult against his will, while a bunch of adults sit around and watch and probably cheer. And then, to put icing on the motherfucking cake, this asshole promises to violate his young protege in the same way.

I only have two things to say about this.

1. Now that I know that Wayne was a victim of sexual abuse, I'm starting to look at his sexual exploits in a whole new light. Anyone even mildly conversant in the pathology of the victims of sexual abuse knows that survivors very often develop problematic relationships with sex that can, especially when untreated, develop into a hyperactive sexual life. It's a defense mechanism. And maybe, just maybe, that's what's going on with this fool. 
   
2. Somebody call the damn police. This man is promising, PROMISING, to orchestrate the rape of a minor!

Also, as a side note and even more evidence of how FUCKED UP these people are, check the end of the video when Lil' Wayne compares his first sexual experience/violation with his coming into manhood and then quickly compares that to killing five men or robbing a bank.

Yea, this is exactly the kind of Black masculinity I want my nephew to model.

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

source

Happy Birthday Sierra!

As you all know, I love my babies...
So here's a personal shot out to one of the coolest (the coolest!) little people I know.
::my namesake::

 

::my heart::

Just for you:


Love,

Titi Colie!

Latinos en America- guest post

I solicited a post by good friend Danielle on CNN's "Latino in America."

check it!
-N

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was half way through the first installment of CNN’s “Latino in America” and I was ready to call it a night. But I continued watching; hoping for something that I could say was intelligent and illuminating. In the end I was disappointed, but not as much as I might have been had I actually expected CNN to produce something intelligent and illuminating. 

So, what did CNN teach us about Latinos in America?

1. If only Latinos would work harder, try harder in school, and learn English, then they could achieve the “American Dream.” Look at Eva Longoria-Parker and Edward James Olmos.
2. Guess what? Latinos come in a variety of colors and shades.  Yes, they look black, white, brown, and everything in between. (Note to CNN: The history of conquest and importation of African slaves to Latin America might have been relevant here.)
3. Latina teenagers are brats. They run away. They always seem to end up pregnant.  And they think about committing suicide frequently. Side Comment: teenage pregnancy is hardly a problem among Latinas only.  
4. Latina teenagers are brats. They run away. They always seem to end up pregnant.  And they think about committing suicide frequently. Side Comment: teenage pregnancy is hardly a problem among Latinas only.  
5. There are cultural and communication problems that are involved when groups from diverse communities mix. Um, duh. Telling us about a segregated Catholic church—that have two different services because of language differences—doesn’t say anything about the real sociological, psychological, and historical dangers of segregation. Many white Americans simply refuse to recognize their own cultural superiority and continue to insist that their language, their food preferences, and their traditions are better (i.e. they should learn English and they should learn to like our side dishes at the church picnic). 
6. There are many people who oppose immigration from Latin American countries, particularly Mexico. Duh again. CNN failed to address the complexities of this issue. There was no discussion of America’s interference in Latin American economic policies, nor of particular U.S. policies that make the transnational transfer of both goods and peoples—NAFTA, for example—easy and profitable, nor of the history of U.S. sponsored labor migrations from Latin America throughout the twentieth century. Instead, the show gave much more time to examining one (white) man’s personal bias against Latin American immigrants, the result of which was to individualize racism and neglect America’s role in creating the “immigrant problem.”
7. Sometimes, in cases of extreme individual racism, Latinos are harassed and/or beaten up for being Latino. Again, these instances have nothing to do with anything other than a single person’s or group of people’s own prejudices.
8. Latino parents are bad parents. They don’t teach their kids about their heritage and then complain about it later. They don’t appreciate the value in American education.  They would rather children stay at home or work. 
9. All Latinos have the same experiences.

Understandably, CNN undertook a huge project with “Latinos in America” (as they did with “Black in America”), but there was little effort to produce something that could actually open people’s eyes or, heaven forbid, make people think. There was no analysis, no attempt to break down the structural barriers to equality, and no explanation as to why Latino immigration is different from European immigration, among other things. No, CNN did not make this comparison, but they should have, considering that their entire show was basically about immigrants (as if there are no Latinos that have been here for generations, or even centuries).  If they had bothered to talk to even ONE scholar of Latino Studies or Latino History, they might have discovered this.

On top of that, it is obvious that CNN sought to represent Latinos in a very particular (racialized and gendered) way. Frankly, half of the stories told were largely irrelevant. I fail to understand, for example, how a group of guys in Southern California who build and show low-rider cars in their spare time are representative of Latinos in America.  Yes, some people will say that when they think of low-riders, they think of young, Latino men, but if that’s the criteria for getting some airtime on the show, then when CNN does “White in America” (they won’t, but some friends and myself have discussed the possibilities), I fully expect them to talk about polka dancers and beauty pageants for four-year-olds. 

In my mind, CNN’s only purpose was to justify stereotypes of Latinos and promote the idea of individual striving and success, also known as the “American Dream.” The other half of the stories had the potential to be educational, but because there was no context (historical or otherwise) given and no investigation into the meaning of particular experiences—white flight, hate crimes, anti-immigrant sentiment, Latino poverty, contemporary segregation patterns, high school drop-out rates, and generational conflicts among immigrants, for instance—these stories did little to actually explain what it’s like to be Latino in America.

The story of Marta, a young girl from Central America, is representative of this point.  When she was twelve, she immigrated illegally to the U.S., in search of her mother.  When discovered, she was put in Boystown, a detention facility in Florida where children are kept when they are found without documentation. It operates more like a prison than juvenile detention center.  It’s a sad situation, but the history of Boystown is interesting.  It once served as a home to child refugees from Cuba starting in 1959. Cuban parents sent their children there with the hopes of later migrating themselves, and reuniting in the U.S. Boystown was supposed to assimilate these children, with the hopes of integrating them into American society.

The differences between the facility then and now are quite stark, but CNN does not explain why this is the case. Why were Cubans welcomed so warmly? Why is Marta’s experience so different from the hundreds of Cuban children to enter the U.S. before her?  A history of American geopolitical objectives and their influence on immigration policy, and thus racial constructions, would have helped explain these disparities.

In the end, I’m convinced that CNN’s efforts did more harm than good. Some people I’ve talked to have argued that they were just glad that Latinos got some primetime airtime for a change. I don’t agree. “Latinos in America” was advertised as an authoritative piece of journalism, intended to teach Americans about a group of people who are quickly (demographically, at least) taking over. On CNN’s website, you can find a parent and teacher discussion guide for the show, further demonstrating that it was meant to be a teaching tool. It has probably already been used that way. Long term it will probably becomes a tool for teaching diversity and multiculturalism, and the real problems behind the disparities in Latino education and income will remain hidden, as will the internal biases that prohibit Latino advancement in the U.S.  But don’t be surprised if we get “Latinos in America 2.” It’s only a matter of time, unfortunately.

Danielle

...unexpected ranting...

"No One Wants to See Round Women"

said Chanel genius, Karl Lagerfeld recently.

And, according to French Vogue, blackface... "what's the big deal?"

Every one is all a-flutter about the fashion industry's exclusionary practices and often offensive images of women. Me... not so much. The fashion industry is elitist and generally intolerant of all women, not just "round" ones. Models are never skinny enough and always beautiful but... "her eyes are too wide" "too close together" "her hips are too big" "her face too angular" "too round." WTF ever.

I don't care what anyone says, the fashion industry does not like women.

So Karl Lagerfield may be an ass and he may be offensive and he may look like a villain from outer space:

but he's not an anomaly. This is how people feel, he's just one of the few who will say it out loud. And for that I say kudos to you Mr. Lagerfeld, at least I know what I'm dealing with, with your crazy ass. And I totally won't tell anyone that you used to be f-... well, you know:

So if I don't have an issue with that, why this post? Well first, I've been crazy busy and haven't had the time to blog, let alone think, lately. And this is me getting back into a groove. But secondly, and more importantly, I'm super sick of people attacking the fashion industry for being sizist, or racist, or exoticizing certain women, or stealing from communities of color in a decidedly imperialist manner but being unwilling to look at how these are only more focused versions of what's going on in the rest of the world and what they're doing themselves.

I love all of the tv news shows, especially of the entertainment variety, who reported on this with their anchors liposucked to within an inch of their lives, botoxed beyond recognition and full of saline saying how deplorable his statements were (but not quite emoting their outrage). And then couching the post in between "news" stories about Nicole Richie's post-baby body and who's got the worst cellulite of the summer (random selection of stories not necessarily on air when this ish went down, but... you know).

The point is that we worship certain kinds of images but many of us who rail against them also willingly fall victim to it. We make a big fuss about the media and society circumscribing certain kinds of bodies to women (and men) but then ignore how those bodies (and their attendant conceptions of beauty) are raced and/or how this litmus of perfection allows us to judge other people's characters/lives/behaviors based on their bodies. (And this goes on both sides. We can't make judgments about skinny girls not eating or dieting all the time and falling into the "trap" simply because they're small.) We gotta do better. So until you're willing to check yourself, stop talking. And if you're not sure if I'm aiming this at you, consider:

If you're one of those people who totally nods your head every few months when there's some new scandal about those stick thin, possibly anorexic, models but won't date a girl over a size 6 or makes fun of that girl in the next cubicle for being a "lard ass," SHUT THE FUCK UP! You have absolutely no room to talk. And if you're one of those douches who points out how wrong it is that all of the models in your favorite ad campaign are white but clutches your purse when a Black man enters the elevator, FUCK YOU! You have no room to talk.

Today's message has been brought to you by the word "fuck" and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream.

Weighing in:

The Awesomeness
The Tastiest

The Saddest- I was going to link to some pics of anorexic models and girls, but that shit is so disturbing and sad that I just couldn't...

...things I like to look at...

I can barely think in coherent sentences most days, which makes those fellowship essays a bit of a chore. But I really don't talk that much throughout the week anyway. Usually I spend a lot of time just staring, watching, hopefully comprehending.

Here's a list of things that I don't mind looking at again and again:

1. Nanami Cowdroy's art:

 

Most of you might recognize the first piece from my laptop and my old ipod (r.i.p Bandit). The Japanese-Australian artist's blending of intricate design to illustrate familiar and foreign themes speaks to me. When I bought my laptop decal at GelaSkins, one person reviewed that with one of Nanami's prints you wouldn't fail to get noticed from random passerby, which has proven true. But even more interestingly to me, you always know when you're looking at a Nanami Cowdroy piece. And not just by the red stamp of her name in the corner, but by the unique interplay of light and dark, and detail,  her signature style.

2. Oakland

Well, pictures of Oakland technically. I'm working on a story right now that I decided, on a whim, to set by Lake Merritt. We lived there for a while when I was in elementary school and I loved it. And living in a city like Columbus (all offense) makes it really easy to miss a place like home. Seriously, as usual I've got a list of things I must see/do/eat when I'm home:

• buying jewelry/knick knacks on Telegraph. I seriously haven't done this in years. Who's down?
• Blondie's pizza- turkey pepperoni. nuff said. no seriously, only in california would a pizza place have pepperoni w/o pork. holla!
• bancroft clothing- i don't know why though
• sushi
• skates... i don't think i really want to drop money like that, but hell... maybe
• monterey bay aquarium- i've never been but we're taking the heathens for Sierra's 7th 'cause I'm coming home!
• Loard's- banana
• taco trucks
• MOAD- i haven't been in a while, might as well see what's new. Who's down?
• Asian Art museum- again, who's  down?
• the fam
• Jean
• Jessica
• the SMC fam
• BART!- hell even AC transit... COTA's got nothing on them.
• saying hella without any flak!
• Nations, but only after a drunken night in Jack London. I'm not even asking, Jean- get ready!
  
• being near water

3. Katrina Fema Jackson

check it

Seriously, she's like free entertainment and since she's kind of crazy, it works....

4. My babies:

Black/Latino in America

So I never, ever, evereverever bothered with CNN's Black in America series. I knew they were going to suck. And they did. They didn't show any of the things that I think non-Black/especially white people in this country need to know.

But now that they're doing a Latino in America series I'm starting to wonder. Should I watch? Soledad O'Brien is questionably Black, but maybe she's just a little more Latina. Maybe they'll say some things I need to hear.

So, what say you? Will you be watching CNN's Latino in America?!

...the asian Spanish teacher?...

NBC's new half hour comedy Community hasn't received too much hype, even though it airs in the channel's coveted Thursday night comedy block. Personally I only thought to give it a try because Joel McHale is funny, but just as soon as I decided to watch it, I forgot about it completely. But I happened to catch Yvette Nicole Brown's interview on The Wendy Williams Show and promptly set my dvr. And thank god I did, because this shit is hilarious.

Sadly, I then immediately forgot that about it again (am I too young for senility?) and missed the second episode. But I was lucky enough to catch the show on Bravo thanks to NBC's media domination. And if it was possible to top the introduction of Abed, the Indian dude with Aspergers, and Chevy Chase as creepy older hippy Pierce who has a bit of a thing for Shirley (Brown), they did so with this little nugget of fabulousness. Meet Senor Chang (Ken Jeong), the Asian Spanish Teacher:

In his first appearance Senor Chang lays it down, getting right to the heart of your Asian stereotypes and the supposed incongruity of having an Asian man teaching Spanish. Because I can't find the clip anywhere anymore (damn NBC and their copyright protections!) I've decided to transcribe it for you.... Seriously! It's that good.

Every once in a while a student will come up to me and ask Senor Chang, why do you teach Spanish? They say it just like that. Why do you teach Spanish? Why you? Why not math? Why not photography? Why not martial arts? I mean surely it must be in my nature to instruct you in something that's ancient and secret like oh building a wall that you can see from outer space. Well I'll tell you why I teach Spanish. It is none of your business ok? Now I don't wanna have any conversations about what a mysterious inscrutable man I am. [plays with imaginary long, white beard] oheheheheheohohohohoh I am a spanish genius. En espanol my nickname is el tigre chino [pretending to bite Shirley's neck] because my knowledge will bite her face off. So don't question Senor Chang or you'll get bit, ya bit, ya bit!... Ok, Friday manana...

At first I wasn't sure where this monologue was going and I am a bit lost on where it ended up. But the more I listened the more I realized that Senor Chang was blowing my mind. All of a sudden, he was killing me softly and I was on the floor dying laughing. "Why not karate?" The "mysterious" Asian man... oh sweet lord in heaven, you like me and this proves it!

Senor Chang's outburst says a lot about how we understand race, nationality and language. I've talked about this before but this dude is so funny that I had to do it again.

Why do his students get all confuddled about having an Asian Spanish teacher? Well, you know... he's Asian first of all. Shouldn't he be teaching Japanese or Cantonese or, you know, some Asian language?
That has got to be one of the dumbest sentences I've ever had to write just because it requires looking at the world with such massive blinders I don't know how you don't run into multiple walls.

But also because comments like these presume that only Asian people speak Asian languages, only Latinos speak Spanish and only someone of a particular racial group should teach that language. This also supposes that you've never looked around you and seen what different kinds of people lay claims to what it means to be an American. And everyone from Norcal knows that when you're in high school you have two foreign language options, Spanish or French. And if you know like I know, Spanish is just barely a foreign language in some parts of the U.S.


So douche... why Senor Chang?


Why the FUCK NOT?

...where's my clicker?...

Well kids, it's that time again. A new fall premiere season is upon us. For those that don't know I'm a serious tv hound/couch potato and this is my favorite time of the year. If I celebrated Christmas, fall premieres would put that sappy holiday to shame!

So, in the spirit of full disclosure here is a list of shows that I'm excited about (and some that I'm really not):

Returning

Heroes- yea, it's confusing and they keep killing off all of the Black people and the Asians are woeful stereotypes but I fucking love Hiro goddammit! ... don't look at me. I'm so ashamed... :-(

House- the white person is the druggie? sign me up!

Lincoln Heights- one word: Chassie. all my tween/teen girls know what I'm talking about... yea. yea... (still ashamed)

Supernatural- technically started last week, but whatever, still excited. Dean- need I say more? thought not!

Cold Case- old mysteries, Tracie Thoms/Anthony LaPaglia... it is what it is.

Castle- Nathan Fillion. that is all.

Smallville- I don't have to explain myself to you!

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia- I love this show. the season premiere was not amazing. I'm excited, but wary...

Law & Order- last season was ridiculous. I never thought I'd say this but Anthony Anderson is a really good actor... gasp!

Medium- fucking cbs nbc. how do you cancel Medium!? it's on nbc cbs now.

Californication- if you don't know you betta ask somebody.

Dollhouse- I thought most of season 1 was a bit... meh, but it's Joss Whedon so I'm hoping they will have fixed the kinks.

Lie to Me- ridiculous!

Better off Ted- one of those dry humor, man breaks the fourth wall shows that works for me... I don't like the Office... even though I wanted to.

New Kids on the Block

the forgotten- actually I don't know how to feel about this one. how do you replace Rupert Penry Jones with Christian Slater? fucking Americans.

Eastwick- another one I'm ambivalent about but I liked the movie so we'll see.

The Vampire Diaries- the books sound atrocious but I was pleasantly surprised by the pilot so I'm giving it a shot.

Melrose Place- I was actually not a fan of the original but the first two episodes weren't bad. besides there's a black girl. there's only one, but sometimes that's all they give us so I have to make it work...

Flashforward- I actually kept running into the descriptions for this one and said no, hell no, repeatedly. some smart exec, however, made me turn my head with the announcement that John Cho was in it. I still said no, but I was willing to listen. then they made me turn around completely: Gabrielle Union was cast on the show? no, no, you will not break me down, goddamn you! and I was holding out pretty strong all summer until I heard that... John Cho and Gabrielle Union's characters were a couple... fucking abc. I'm watchin', I'm watchin'!

Glee- who knew? I'm hooked.

Community- Joel McHale... nuff said...

Shows I Gave Up On/Not Even Trying

One Tree Hill- no Leyton?! No Nicole...

Gossip Girl*- I just can't keep track and the CW doesn't do enough reruns... maybe on dvd... maybe... and where the fuck are the black people? this show has the Friends-itis...

Cougar Town- no. (on a sidenote: did anyone besides me watch Dirt? now that show was crazy)

The Beautiful Life- i tried. the premise was tired as hell.

CSI:NY- i don't know what happened. i used to really love this show. maybe it's just too sleek for me? *shrugs shoulders*

Parks and Recreation- horrible. absolutely horrible. and it really shouldn't be! amy poehler. rashida jones. wtf happened!?

CSI- actually, I gave up on it not 'cause it wasn't good it's just that thursday is a busy (tv) night for me... it's up against some pretty tough contenders... oh larry fishburne... I tried! I tried!

Fringe*- this show was amazing but then fox kept fucking with it's schedule and I lost interest

Ghost Whisperer- Andrea.

Southland*- again I tried. I was not impressed.

Sanctuary- who knew a webseries could be better than the shit they put on tv? I am humbled... and not tuning in.

NCIS- one day I looked up and realized that I couldn't figure out if I'd already seen this episode because EVERY FUCKING NCIS EPISODE IS THE SAME unless it's a season finale... over it!

Never Tried But Maybe on Netflix...?

The Mentalist- my mom likes it. but in my mind simon should be with sanaa on my tv screen... I might have gotten a bit attached to something new...

Sons of Anarchy- I've heard good things but... maybe on netflix.

CSI: Miami- maybe there's just been too much soup criticism of the show (oh horatio) but they had megalyn echikunwoke on it last season so all of a sudden I have a new determination to see what's going down... i'm nothing if not predictable.

Dexter*- technically I saw the first season, but something about the second season never clicked with me... I'll put it on my queue though... why not?

So, these are my obsessions... what are you watching this season?

*- indicates a show that I'm willing to consider for the netflix queue.

...miscellany...

a random collection of thoughts... not one related to the next

• yahoo world news freaks me out. general descriptions of topics/content: middle east: conflict/europe: politics, economics, football (soccer)/latin america: (gang) murder, coups, natural disasters/africa: poverty, hiv/aids, aid... must find new news outlets. do not like cnn... maybe i should just go back to the bbc.
  
• people are lazy: when you push the handicap button the door does open but it takes forever. just use your freaking hands.
• facebook makes me happy. i don't care what anyone (jean) says, it's amazing. i can keep up with friends/get a lot of information/dick around on the internet all in one place... sadly, it is becoming like twitter now that it's conquered the myspace arena... *sigh*
• today is my last full day at my job... tomorrow, total half day (can't go over those 30 hrs!). i look forward to hanging with my Kat, getting down to business (apparently those papers WILL NOT write themselves), and finish the half-assed unpacking job from this weekend
  
• considering the possibility of dating again. if true, will have to stop cutting men off who approach me/spend more time outside of my apartment and the grocery store/possibly work up the nerve to ask someone i like out. *double sigh*... oh and also, must find repellent spray for men in their late 30s/40s hitting on me, especially the bus driver on my route home. no one my age is interested, but a dude clearly old enough to be my father... gross.
  
• need another bookshelf. i just got one!
• circling a pair of boots. really want to go shopping. fall is coming! really broke.
  
• want to go on a trip. too poor for int'l, but domestic... hmmm. sadly i also can't afford the bay. nyc is looking pretty damn good right now.
• in love with these hair care products: Oyin.
  
• must buy shoe goo. will not give up on those damn boots yet!
• in love with Nanami Cowdroy. must save money to buy & frame prints/see one of her exhibitions.
• currently avoiding someone with questionable academic morals. must find way to say to said person that i think they're an underhanded skeezer that i wouldn't let look at my grocery list let alone anything even remotely involving my work? there should be a google translate page to make harsh things sound better.
• trying to wrap my brain around a post on interracial relationships... too complex? relatedly, sean penn is dating jessica white? they met at kid rock's house? crazy!

that is all.

...crazy cat lady snaps back...

I've got a cat (refer to previous post). She's funny and moody and sometimes needy. It's nice to have a companion. I wish she would eat more. I like her.

Here's what I don't like:

Every time I tell people about my cat I get one clear warning: "Just don't get too many." Some people have said this to be funny. It's not. Some have said this in all seriousness. It's not that deep. They are all essentially saying the exact same thing: "Just don't get too many because you'll become the crazy cat lady." This implied statement is a few things: annoying, needless and cliched. But it is also two very important things: sexist and possibly homophobic.

In defense of my friends I don't think that they're trying to be any of these things. Nevertheless they are. So let's handle the issues.

First, when I say possibly homophobic I mean this specific to my situation. I don't think that every person who forewarns their friend not to become a "crazy cat lady" is also warning off homosexuality. It's just my friends... well mostly some family members. I think that because I don't date/am celibate/am not currently falling all over my cute next door neighbor/random guy at club etc, a lot of people in my life have always been slightly worried that I am gay... gasp. In fact one college friend greets me every time I see him with "you aint dating no women? you aint gay are you?" *sigh* So for these people who have felt this fear about me at one time or another, the fact that I adopted a cat was yet another check in the "she's gonna come out someday" pile... They feel like they've figured me out and they're a little worried at the revelation.

Apparently cats make people think spinster-living alone with my special "friend" Margaret and our brood of kittens/rescued feral strays etc.

Here's the funny thing. A lot of the people who've said this to me have or want to get dogs. Lesbians don't like dogs all of a sudden? (Ellen would beg to differ.) Why is it that certain pets carry specific stigmas... sexism!

There is no "crazy cat man," the weird cat obsession to which my friends are afraid I will fall is only for the ladies! [Side note: There are stereotypes that a man with (too many) cats is gay, generally effeminate, mentally disabled, a momma's boy, stunted, whatever.] In this dynamic if I get too many cats it will mean my eventual seclusion from society (and with my already spotty record...), I'll let myself go physically (I assume they mean mumus and wild hair), a general sour attitude (have these people ever met me?) and most worrisome... that I'll end up alone.

There won't be a husband to come home to, kids to get off to school in the morning, weekend soccer games, ballet rehearsals. There'll just be me, my cats and the ten o'clock news. Again, I think this comes from a place of well-intentioned concern that is... rude. It also makes me wonder how well these people know me.

Some facts: The probability of me getting married is about on par with peace on earth. I've already said that I want to adopt at least one child after 30 (partner or no), so if you think you're a feminist and haven't considered this possibility... I would reconsider. I hate the tv news. And, lastly, if I have a cat I won't be alone.

So here's what I'm advocating. If your fear is that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Say that. It will warm my heart and I'll love you more. It will not, however, change how I live my life because I've found that one way to stave off an unhappy existence is to do what makes you happy. What I've done for the last 6 years or so has made me happy (even grad school).

If your fear is that I'm gay and in the closet. Say that. I'll almost certainly call you a homophobe for considering homosexuality something to worry about. But I'm open to listening to you defend yourself. But I will, as a warning, always look at you a little bit differently. And after that, if you're interested, I'll tell you that I'm straight. I've met a number of very nice lesbians over the years who've made me slightly sad that I'm not gay. And if I needed to be in a relationship so bad I would have made some concessions along the way. I have not however, which supports my grand point:

I'm happy. Single or otherwise. If I never get married, I'll still be happy. If I never have children, I'll still be happy. (Have you seen my nieces and nephew?!) If I end up in a house with a bunch of cats, I'll still be happy. Mostly because I will have made these decisions based on what I want and need, not on what anyone else thinks I should be doing.

So if you love me, please meet Kat.


She makes me happy. Support that, just as I try to support what makes you feel the same...

... random musings on reparations...

A lot of people don't know how to feel about reparations. I'm torn myself. I don't support the handing of money to anyone, least of all me (I'd have more shoes and shit than I knew what to do with in a heartbeat- I've got a problem). But I am in favor of spending much more money on Black communities to begin to fix the problems of the ghettoization of the Black people spatially, politically, educationally, economically, medically - the list goes on and on and on...

Anyway, most of my reservations about reparations seem to fly out of the window when I think about teaching it in a classroom and the likely responses I'll get. It's hard to imagine some of the things students say. I just want to shake my head and apply for a job at the bookstore.

So when a friend told me some of the things she's heard people say against reparations, one of the responses she got was that Jewish people have recovered from the Holocaust in such a short period of time, why haven't African Americans?

um...

That's fucking genius! Well not that idiot's comment, but the comparison that it sets up. In my mind I always plan to connect the Transatlantic Slave Trade to the Holocaust to help students contextualize the loss of life (condoned for a time by much of the world's community), racist violence etc etc. I hope that this more contemporary example will help them understand the tragedy. I don't know if it will though, but it's a plan. And as of right now, when I imagine teaching reparations I'm going to continue with this theme.

Should African Americans get reparations? I don't know, but the Jews got Israel so...

Side note:

All I ask is that if, by some (never gonna happen/probably shouldn't happen 'cause it'll be a racist clusterfuck) turn of events, Black folk get their own country, could we not rip the land from a settled people, go to war against them, their religion and the entire region, continue to steal more of their land, further impoverish them, treat them like second class citizens and then hide behind our own tragedy as justification for oppressing others... That would be nice.

*sigh*

...reading is sexy...

Books I love/am reading/will read

be forewarned: I have very varied tastes...

Fiction
Bastard Out of Carolina by Dorothy Allison*

Persuasion by Jane Austen*

The Street by Anne Petry

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte*

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston*

Girl, Interrupted by Susana Kaysen*

Wicked by Gregory Maguire

The Witching Hour by Anne Rice

The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri*

The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

Non-Fiction/History

A People on the Boil: Reflections on Soweto by Harry Mashabela

Ella Baker & the Black Freedom Movement by Barbara Ransby

Assata: An Autobiography by Assata Shaku

Black Power: Radical Politics and African American Identity by Jeffrey O.G. Ogbar

Claudia Jones: A Life in Exile by Marika Sherwood

The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls by Joan Jacobs Brumberg

Feministy Things

Scum Manifesto by Valeries Solanas

Black British Feminism: A Reader ed. Heidi Safia Mirza

Talking Back by bell hooks

Reading Now

Afro-Future Females ed. Marlene S. Barr

Summers at Castle Auburn by Sharon Shinn

A Bone to Pick by Charlaine Harris

The Nawal El Saadawi Reader

The River by Edward Hooper

For Their Triumphs and For Their Tears by Hilda Bernstein

On the come-up... eventually

Kindred by Octavia Butler

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day by Pearl Cleage

Daughters of the Dust by Julie Dash

White Rising: The 1922 Insurrection and Racial Killing in South Africa by Jeremy Krikler

Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri

Living for the Revolution by Kimberly Springer

The Montgomery Bus Boycott and the Women Who Started It by Jo Ann Robinson

Coming of Age in Mississippi by Anne Moody

Telling Histories ed. Deborah Gray White

All the Women are White, All the Blacks are Men, But Some of Us are Brave by Gloria Hull, Patricia Bell Scott & Barbara Smith

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister by Gregory Maguire

I also read a lot of fiction online... some of which is better than stuff Amazon recommends... so if you're into popular fiction check out The Chamber. (My favorite authors are TokenBlackGirl and BlackMamba, but there are lots of good people writing on there...)

And because I love yall, I'm posting my shelfari bookshelf on the site. So keep track of my reading and maybe even join and be my friend (hint: Jean).

* denotes a damn good film adaptation... I liked Tom Hanks and The Da Vinci Code, but Angels & Demons ruined it for me...

... black cat nine lives short days looong night living on the edge not afraid to die...

I recently got a cat... she's cute, sort of standoffish, only slightly needy and possibly an insomniac. This isn't really relevant to this point, it's just that I could describe myself in the same way... This might be a match made in heaven.

Anyway... when I was looking for a cat I really only had one criteria. I wanted her to be black. I've wanted a black cat since I was little. My mother's birthday is on Halloween and she raised me to believe that all black cats are good luck for us (defying conventional wisdom). As a child this made sense to me but now... not so much. How the hell would a black cat be good luck for me? I wasn't born on halloween! Whatever... it doesn't really matter because all I learned from this was that black cats are cool!

So when I went looking to adopt a cat, this was the only thing I wanted. I ended up falling in love with Kat, the aforementioned cat (hehehe). When describing her I always mentioned her personality and then that she was black, with a bit of white on her belly. Actually, I describe her as "black, with a little bit of white that she can hide. like me!" I thought it was just a funny throw away comment until we were bringing Kat home yesterday and my friend said something about me even racing my animals.

I laughed because it was funny, but then I thought about it and I realized that... yea, it's totally true. So what can we learn from this kids?

1. I, and presumably others, look at the WORLD in a raced way. Sometimes we focus on how we race people, but what about how that translates in other ways? Now my very literal racing of my pet is one thing, but it happens in other, more significant, ways. For instance, all of my cousins wanted to own pitbulls and rots because they identified these animals as "acceptable" dog breeds for black men. (Cats were not an option.) Also my grandfather, and myself, tended to equate weird things with whiteness. For instance, whenever we saw little white kids throwing a full-on tantrum in public, cursing and sometimes hitting their moms, we would look at them and say "white people." And if you know me then you know that I still do this, so...


2. How does our racing of the world shut us off from having new experiences? Strangely enough, while in Target picking up cat stuff, my friend and I ran into a Black woman with cats. One of her first comments was that Black people generally don't like cats and she was shocked to see two Black people with them as pets. This is something that I've experienced a lot and it goes well beyond people's allergies (or faux allergies in my mom's case!). Most Black people I know just really don't like cats. I've also heard this about pets in general. I know a lot of Black people, older, who don't like pets at all. Well that's not true. Actually a lot of older Black people just don't understand the reason for keeping a pet. Now I'm not saying that everyone should like the felines, I'm just saying that why is that such an identifiable trend? What is the connection here between race and pets?


3. Is this a form of racism? I haven't thought this one out so much, but there does seem to be something about racing the world in these subtle ways that is inherently racist? or racialist? or wrong? Hell I don't know, I'm just thinking outloud here.

This has all been an exercise in attempting to think about race in new ways. And whatever the outcome to this whole situation I've got a cat... named Kat! She seems pretty awesome and she's definitely pretty as hell.

She's black. I'm black. We live in a Black world. Well at least she does. When I step out of the apartment things change drastically...